An Almanac Minute: The Winter Solstice

Understanding My Life through the Art of Work

It’s been a little quiet on the Circle of Self Muse blog.  I’ve actually been writing a lot, daily in fact, on my http://mooncyclecircle.blogspot.com/.  I’ve been opening myself to all sorts of manifestations of the Muse as I move along the path of manifesting my work-as it evolves.  I am a survivor of 'self diagnosed' ADHD and dyslexia.  I am old enough that those diagnoses did not exist when I was a child, but I know from my experience at school, with reading and writing that I would have been relegated to the classroom of the learning disabled if they existed back in the 60’s.  My struggles with academics impacted my self-esteem greatly and caused me to doubt my intelligence, ideas and what I always felt was my ‘calling’.  In this past year, I committed to coming to terms with this struggle once and for all. 

I was in the middle of writing a vision for my work as part of my coming to terms with my work life when I came upon Jeff Goins’ book The Art of Work.  I agreed to write a book review, trying to fit my review within a thirty-day time frame, a bit of a challenge for me as my dyslexia makes me a very slow reader.  But, this book, which is so much more than about reinventing, rewriting, restructuring one’s life captured me, and I let myself take as much time as I needed to thoroughly digest the blessings Goins’ sends out to people like me who are still trying to claim for themselves what he calls their ‘vocation’. I have thoughts myself, about being too old, running out of time, having delusions about what I still could be or do.  Delving in to Goins’ guide, I now feel like I am actually ‘right on time’ for making a mark in my life.  Goins has opened my eyes to new ways of looking for inspiration about the work in my life and just how I can embrace what life presents me and use it to make changes in myself and in the world. 

Goins’ does not promise a rainbow at the end of the journey, in fact he doesn't promise an end to the journey! He also doesn’t offer any short cuts or quick-fix gimmicks.  His path to success is a path each of us will cut for ourselves—but not alone, and I stress this—this is not solitary path.  Rather he gives guidance and urgency to keep going.  To any readers out there who have never been able to focus on one thing, who have struggled with their gifts and talents and have not been able to weave them into a meaning tapestry, take heart.  The Art of Work gives me hope…and direction.  I especially invite those whose learn ‘outside the box’ or who have a history of giving their power and their gifts away (as many of those I have been privileged to work with have) to read this books. It offers hope for creating a life that matters and a workable path to success and mastery.


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the author and/or publisher through Speakeasy blogging book review network.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255

Beauty as a State of Being

Beauty as a State of Being, In the preface, Dr. Solomon Katz describes his book as both manual and work of art.  It is both. Katz’s book is an inspiring blend of instruction manual and story. For some, this interplay of process and prose will seem distracting. However, I found the ongoing change of pace I experienced when reading chapter to chapter to be just the change of pace my mind required to stop its’ usual way of thought processing. The short vignettes (as in the interlude of stories in the middle of the book) also support using the book as a daily reader: open a page at random and take in as a daily inspiration what is revealed under the sub-headings on any page. I found them to be just what I needed to hear-that day.

I was drawn to Katz’s book, because of the title.  ‘Beauty’ is an important part of my life. I live my life with the intention to create and bring beauty to everything my life touches; some days are definitely more beautiful than others!  And so, I picked up this reader on ‘Mastering Mind and the Spiritual Path’.  Katz weaves stories of clients into the reader’s journey and I found my own fettered mind comforted by these ‘me, too’ experiences. What Dr. Katz’s book brought to me was a gentle way to begin to change my mind-the negative thinking, the positive thinking, moving gradually into moments where no-thinking ‘happened’ and beauty shown.  This is a book to savor. It is both an easy read and a slow read, depending on how deep the reader wants to go in their transformation journey.  I definitely recommend not rushing. 

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the author and/or publisher through Speakeasy blogging book review network.  I was not required towrite a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance witht the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255

Agreeing to Follow the Acronym of G.O.D.

This morning I sat in my morning contemplation. Actually, I wiggled, jittered and squirmed until, finally, I gave into my antsy-ness and got up off my prayer cushion. Then, I paced, spun, and rambled aimlessly; first through the rooms of my house-mind flitting from a decorating idea for the kitchen, to noticing cobwebs between the sofa and the drapes, to concerns about not being able to pay the painter. I ended up out of doors; perhaps my spirit was hoping for relief. I attempted to engage body and mind in a morning gratitude ceremony.  That did not work either.  I experienced no stillness, no centeredness, and no peace of body, mind, heart or spirit.  All these behaviors are the actions I have come to understand as a part of me (probably ego) is trying to keep me from becoming aware of something that will necessitate some kind of change or letting go in my life. In short: these are all avoidance (and annoyance) behaviors.  I have come to understand them as avoiding G.O.D. behaviors, as well. 

Finally, I return to my office and slump down onto the prayer cushion.  The longevity of my attempts at meditation has given me a couple of good disciplines-one of which is a commitment that whenever I am wandering about without any healthy form of relief, I am willing to draw a tiny slip of paper from my ‘god bowl’ and do whatever the paper says.  Today is one of those days, and after only a brief internal argument, I pick a tiny slip from the bowl. IT reads: ‘Art’.  “Really,” I think “this makes no sense”!  But, I am committed to follow that little piece of paper.  My art supplies are downstairs in the basement, I have to go and find the crate I’ve tucked them away in.  I head for the basement, I pass through the kitchen and notice the pan of Tapioca pudding I started still sitting on the stove. I stop to stir it, see it’s ready to have the eggs added.  That takes up another fifteen minutes.  My squirrel mind circles back around to the original mission: art supplies.  I retrieve two or three crates before I find what I think I’m looking for.  I have too many felt tip markers to carry.  This gives me the idea that the crystal bowl in the dining room-the one I was going to give to good will-would make a beautiful marker holder.  

After a side trip to pick up the bowl (which did make a great container for the markers) I sat back on my cushion, with my recently retrieved sketch book and my G.O.D. journal. And I waited for inspiration.  I fidgeted some more.  

Finally, I reached over and picked up my journal and opened it revealing an entry from 9-13-13: “Our Song/Our Ode.  O.D.E. Our Divine Essence. What ode do we sing every day?” 

So…I pick up a pink marker and draw the outline of a single musical note on my sketch pad.  I hear the ode; Ode to the Soul, Song to the Soul, Soul’s ODE, soul’s song to the world.  I hear: ‘How Great Thou Art’ in my head: I write these words, in pink, on the page: “Then sings my soul, my precious song to thee: How great thou art!  How great thou Art! How great thou Art, Oh GOD. What you have created from the impulse of your being. 
…the created impulse of my being is Joy! Joy! My soul is singing!

That is how that little three letter word, a-r-t, and my commitment to discipline of doing what those little pieces of paper say, gave me back my centeredness and direction.   

This is my share about how the acronym G.O.D. works in my life!

http://www.allaboutgod.com/how-great-thou-art.htm  Carl Gustaf Boberg (1859-1940)

O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed:

Refrain

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees,
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze:

Refrain

P.S. Acronyms for G.O.D. 

                Grace On Demand

                Good Orderly Direction

                Grace Of Divine

                Go On Doing

                Great Omnipotent Dream

    Grace Of Discipline

    Giver Of Directions

               

                

Being Affirmed by Creator's Trees

This past week I gave a speech at Toastmasters, where I invited my audience to explore the practice of connecting with nature as a way of praying.  I shared my morning prayer practice (although in abbreviated form) of going out of doors and giving thanks for the world I see, and for all of creation listening and hearing me-and that I then ask out-loud about whatever is on my mind that morning. The audience was attentive, but later was some 'light-hearted' joking about praying to the trees. Of course, the doubting part of my psyche went into questioning whether I really might be delusional.

I shared my doubts, questioning that I might actually be 'stupid', with a colleague who reminded me that what I teach and share about comes from ancient wisdom, from many spiritual traditions and cultures.  "Are you calling them 'stupid'?", she challenged.  Still, my inner doubting, simmered on the back burner.  This morning, I opened Richard Rohr's morning meditation and here was another answer to my questioning:

Silence my soul, these trees are prayers.

I asked the tree, "Tell me about God";
then it blossomed.  Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941), Bengali polymath--poet, playwright, painter, musician

From: Richard Rohr's Meditation: Sabbath -- Mystics and Non-Dual Thinkers: Week 5; Listening Silence

Here was my confirmation-in black and white and in a beautiful chant, as if not only tree, but entire forest were affirming me.  I am humbled and grateful.

Baby Bird Lessons Day Two

The next day, in the early morning hours.  I carry my writing tools out to the back deck, and prepare to sit for my Morning Prayer and contemplation. This is my last day at Sara’s ranch,the last day of my writing retreat.  I sit in the lawn chair facing east, watching the sun begin to rise.  I’m dive bombed by mother swallow.  Looking up at the rafters, I see one small chick, pressed against the outside of her nest.  I can’t tell if this is one from yesterday, or a latecomer fledgling.  Either could be me!  This mother has the patience and faith of Job.  Both mother and chick are models for me. They reflect two parts of my multifaceted self.  This morning I sit with another example of how nature serves as our teacher, and as a mirror for our path and our growth.  I am patient and faith-filled mother swallow.  I am reluctant chick. 

Lessons From Nature

I'm on a writing retreat at my sister Sara's beautiful, remote Texas Ranch (it's a real ranch b.t.w.).  I have set an intention to receive and write inspirations for the Moon Cycles.

Every Year when the time comes to write about the 12^th (December) moon cycle, the cycle of ‘Thank Truth’ and Jamie Sams’ clan mother image-Gives Praise, a different facet of gratitude and appreciation is shown to me.  Last year, I was aware of immense gratitude for my inner gifts and talents, and my writing asked for the courage to live these more fully in my life.  This year, I am sitting at a picnic table, the heat of the hot Texas wind sharp contrast to the winter images that come with this December moon writing. 

As I write, two tiny swallows are perched on the rafters of the lean-to porch.  Mother swallow approaches again and again, chirping and wildly flapping her wings.  It’s been several hours now, and they are still perched on their I-beam ledge.  Mother bird still flapping her wings and chirping.  I wonder if I would have that kind of patience and stamina.  I wonder how those little ones feel.  Are they scared?  Is it fly or die time?  Over this past week on the ranch, I have witnessed the after effects of five or six failed launch attempts.  It’s hard not to feel sad, even understanding this is all part of the circle of life. 

I have been like those little chicks.  So afraid to take my leap of faith, not trusting that I have what I need to launch myself, I let chances go by and opportunities die.  I’ve had some failed launches, too.  I’ve gone to great lengths to insure my safety with inch by inch movements, exhausting myself and the patience of others. I’ve thrown money and resources at an idea in hopes that this would make up for my lack of preparedness, knowledge or faith, exhausting both resources and myself.  I have enough faith now, and enough awareness and skill, to take my leap.  Where am I leaping to?  I’m leaping into my own being.  I’m really leaping into myself.  I am also leaping into Creation, of which I am already apart. 

What's True? Is This a Mistake or Something Wonderful? (or 'How what is true, constantly changes')

This is a picture of the front of my house at 6:30 this morning: a small excavator struggling with the mud in the middle of my torn up driveway.  Entrance totally blocked. Can't get in, can't get out.   Feels a bit like my life at the moment.  BUT... What's the truth about this scene?  I'm getting a new driveway; another upgrade to my house and my life.  What is true today (entrance to my house is blocked) will be different from what is true tomorrow (a great rut-free, safe, attractive driveway).

In January of 2015. I made a decision to give myself a home that nurtured and supported me (and everyone who came for a session, a visit, or to live). In February, I took a deep breath, held on tight to a trust in Divine Guidance, swallowed hard and traded prosperous dollars for a house in need of some major upgrades.  In March I sat with my spouse and we came to an agreement about what was a need and what was a want-another time for a deep breath and a surrender to trust. In April, the 66 year old heating system was torn out and an entirely new ducts and system put in- a huge, life-disrupting mess.  In May, lived through the skin of my house being torn off to the bones, and new insulation, siding transformed my little run-down house to a sweet cottage home another huge mess and chaos.  Now, in the middle of June, mud, dirt, gravel, noise, and a bobcat stuck in the driveway. It's just a temporary glitch in the process of creating a solid and inviting entrance to my 'new' space.

I didn't know at the time made the decision to have this little house become my long term home what was It was REALLY committing to in terms of time, money and the chaos of demolition and construction.  I thought about this in terms of the Moon Cycle Teaching for this month: the call for each of us Love Truth.  Loving Truth has become for me two things: 1) a willingness to accept and embrace what is right in front of me (people, experiences and feelings) without judgment or fear,  and 2) this accepting and embracing can only bring more Love and and more expansive Truth to my life.

I am experiencing an amazing freedom coming to this way of Loving Truth.  My life these last 6 months has been a lot like the experience of turning this house into the vision I had for a home of my own.   Both have been messy, glitch-filled, full of surprises, requiring flexibility, revealing unexpected blessings and  unfolding in loveliness and possibility--oh and more messiness.  I'm learning to be okay with messiness-it's part of the process of unfolding creation.

If Self Help Doesn't Work, What Does?

This morning I was contemplating more on the dilemma of self -help being a losing proposition.

I sat with my 'listening to GOD journal' (G.O.D. is my acronym for Grace of Divine/Guidance of Divine/Good Orderly Direction)  and these thoughts came through.  I share them here straight off the page!

The Myth of Self Help

Do you have a place you can 'Be Yourself'?

“Just be yourself!”  I am sure Cheryl Richardson, seminar leader at Movers and Shakers in Chicago last month had no idea what she was asking when she gave that suggestion for how to succeed when getting up to speak on stage! As a child, the only place I ever felt I could really ‘be myself’ was in my own room with the door closed away from my parents, six siblings and a usual cousin or two.  My perception of being ‘myself’ while growing up is that the ‘self’ was routinely met with disappointment and disapproval by those who had power and influence over my life.  So, I did all the 'stuff' I identified  as 'me' in private and behind the closed doors of my bedroom.  I read, drew, wrote, day-dreamed, created ‘cutesy’ art objects and projects in my room, where no one would bother me; until my mother sang loudly up the stairwell for “Lazy Carolyn” to wake up. 

So when Cheryl asked us to ‘be yourself’, I was overcome with a feeling of being incredibly exposed. I wanted to leave, right then!  I had come to the seminar to learn how to 'move and shake' in the world. Instead, I came to realize how much shame and embarrassment I felt about the parts of me which I identified as ‘myself’. I came face to face with a governing belief that ‘myself’ is not good enough or acceptable (in-fact awfully embarrassing)  to show in the outside world. 

Right then, rather than get up and leave as was my urge, I prayed with a desperate awareness: I MUST sort out the shame and embarrassment from my gifts, talents and skills.  This is the only way I will be able to live and express my ‘self', (maybe even with a capital ‘S’—yes definitely with a capital ‘S’ Self), in the outside world.

What am I doing about this ah-ha  and 'wake-up' call?  Well, a number of things: getting support from a wise therapist who is willing to address this core difficulty; and surrounding myself with others who are also working on shedding the ‘sheltering’ but vermin- infested robes of shame, guilt, and embarrassment.  I connect daily with a partner and we commit to each other to complete one small action of stepping-up and stepping-out.  I nudge, nourish and love myself, with the help and support of others to let go of isolating and hiding behaviors.  It IS often a slow, tedious process. I am am continually made aware by my experiences and my work with others that this CAN NOT be done alone, by oneself and have any lasting true change. I need others on the journey with me--like many of the people who were at the Movers and Shakers conference.

I sit in prayer and contemplation, as best as I am able, and I do this--yup--early in the morning, just like the song asks! I work with my Muse (who often visits me early in the morning-go figure). Slowly and cautiously, but ever more bravely, ever more courageously, I make myself and my endeavors available to the world.  You will see this very soon on my evolving Circle of Self Website.  I am an earnest, though often timid, learner of a new song I sing to myself : “Creative Carolyn, will you wake up?”

Do you, too, want to go back into hiding when your are suggested to ‘be yourself?’  Are you being nudged to 'wake up'?

My Inner Muse FINALLY Wakes Up (again)!

Holy Time

I haven't posted on this blog for quite some time.  As if the Muse went into hiding.  Perhaps hibernation is a gentler word.  It gives a different meaning to the time I have spent away from this place that is a venue for my writing to reach out to others (and to risk being visible in the world). Recently, I have been contemplating and praying on my longing for writing.  Here is what came today:

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Actually, all time is Holy Time,

And I am so distracted

 I don’t recognize the holy minutes and holy seconds

as they flow in and out of me.

But if I practice experiencing my early mornings as Holy Time,

Perhaps it will seep more and more into my days as a WHOLE.

And perhaps my nights will become incubation for Holy Time,

So my dreams will carry more and more a holy message for my life.

And then perhaps my life will have enough holiness

My breath can be a holy mist out to the lives of others.

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Let it be so. Let it be so.

Religious versus Spiritual as it relates to my Circle of Self

I did get some feedback about my last post.  Some who read my blog know I am an ordained minister through the seminary where I taught a number of years ago.  So, to them, it was odd that I would even write about being religious. Hadn't I already made that pronouncement when I was ordained?  Not really.  It has only been in the last year or so that I have begun to think of myself this way.  I was ordained under a church whose purpose was for 'spiritual healing', and I thought of myself as 'spiritual' and my ordination more about offering 'healing energy'.
It has only been during the past few years, particularly the last 22 or so months, when I began working more deeply with my own self-sabotaging behaviors, did I come to a place where I was confronted by how I was living, or not living, as a 'spiritual person'.  The difference, I think, is this: I am a spiritual being and I am a religious person.  I made a commitment to living all the aspects of my life in alignment with my understanding of my purpose. When I made that decision and that commitment, I accepted that more was being asked of me in terms of aligning my will to the will of God/Creator/Divine One/Higher Power.  Something changed inside of me, and in the way I perceived the world.  What I had previously called a spiritual practice shifted somehow to become deeper, more profound, and yes more demanding.  While I do not wear a 'habit' or a robe or collar to show my 'religious commitment,  I hope the way I live my life slowly shows as a visible example of what it means to live in accountability to the Divine One, to the Creator of All.  My life path is to re-align my self, returning my own individual cell of the Body of God,(unique and always with room for improvement, and hopefully humble) back to it's Owner.

A Confession

I have a confession to make: I am a closet religious. I admit, I am a religious person. I know the word religious has gotten a really bad name over the course of the 30 or 40 years. And, based on the painful and punitive nature of some of my (and many others) childhood church experiences it is amazing I have been able to arrive at this place in my life. But I have to admit, I have, I am and I am relieved to admit it.

 I was reading Richard Rohr’s morning meditation and he gave an interpretation to religious in its’ original Latin roots:   re-ligio = re-align.  The core of my belief: we are all ‘cells in the body of God’.  In fact, I believe that all of Creation are cells of the body of God. Our job, for our life on earth plane,  is to return ourselves to the Body of God  enriched and ripened and more of who we are in the depths of our Souls.  That is most clearly my purpose in life: to re-align myself with the Divine One, with Creator and Creation.  If that is what’ religious’ means, I am relieved to be religious.  I am happy to be able to add that to my list of self-descriptors.  There is something freeing about being able to say this.  I feel as though I have given myself permission to include an enormous amount of resources of knowledge, wisdom and inspiration for the direction of my life.  And PEOPLE!  And COMMUNITY!  And I feel I am able to turn my eyes and intention toward a very small hope that I might someday stand in with the saints I so loved reading about as a child.  There.  I said it. I hope this doesn’t mean my blog site implodes!

Why I live by the light of the moon-and other moon insights

Someone asked me recently why I chose moon cycles as a part of the Circle of Self Process for my website. Early influence came from working with my teachers Anuhea Meyers and Lynn Crowe when they came to the Chicago area and held Women's Circle here.  Then, I found Jamie Sams book 13 indigenous Clan Mothers (see resources) and when I was blessed to do vision quest work with Jorge Arenivar over the course of six or seven years, Jamie's writing came alive as I sat those days and nights 'on the hill'.  So, I summarized a few of the reasons working with the rhythm and the cycles of the moon is part of my daily (nightly) life as well as the Circle of Self Program:   1.  Seeing the moon in the sky at night reminds me to live more and more as my true self. The moon, if she were a thinking, feeling, knowing being (and maybe she is, as there is consciousness in all things) would recognize she is not the source and creator of her light. She is rather a vessel for the light to reflect forth. We too, are not the source of our own light. Our talents,  purposes and abundance are bestowed upon us as gifts and callings from The Divine One. 2.The moon reflects out that which is reflected to her. We, as human beings, do that as well-to those around us, and to ourselves when we look deeply at ourselves in a mirror. Life also reflects back to us, when we see in others that which we need to see in ourselves. 3.The moon has cycles and rhythms. So do we. The moon does not try to change her cycles to be different then they are. Her cycles are uniquely her own, regardless of how they fall in the month, the season, the year. Her cycle is her cycle and is not influenced by what day of the month it is. When I am outside in the dark of night and notice the moon, she brings awareness of where I am in my own cycle of life. When I align with my rhythm, I stop fighting life as much as would be my usual tendency. I can shift the discomfort from being out of rhythm with what is around me in my life. I can re-sync myself. 3.The changing light of the moon reminds me there is just enough light to see what is needed at the moment; that more light can come and that light also goes dim. When I learn to live with the ebb and flow of light, I can live more easily with the ebb and flow of life. Then, my inner wisdom is enriched. I learn to stop striving so much for what is not yet ready to come into view, and be still long enough for my eyes to adjust to the light that is present to see what is before me in the moment. 4. The moon rules the tides. Her pull is not so much felt in our personal awareness, it is subtle, yet steadfast, and immensely powerful in her effect. She is a constant and ever present reminder of rhythms, and of the perpetual shifting of rhythms in life, in us. 5. Our monthly menstrual cycle was named for the moon. In the time before artificial light, our menstrual cycles were aligned with moon cycles. The moon's rhythm helps me stay connected to the more subtle cycles of my post- menopausal body.      about Carolyn   Dr. Carolyn J. Faivre MS, PhD, LCPC           Knowledge | Hope | Balance | Change http://www.CircleofSelf.com |Circle of Self Muse -Blog  Ph:630-334-1053

Anything exposed to light...the Rule of Light

Anything exposed to light will become light.  If you don't believe it-look at how the sun causes color to fade.  I noticed this on my nice dark red couch that sat in front of my picture window.  After a year of sun exposure, the top of the couch is pink, the under-cushions still their original dark red.  I'm well aware, this quote from Ephesians (5:13-15) is not referring to the sun's ability to fade things.  But, rather, I use this visual reminder to keep myself willing to continue to expose myself to the Light so it is able shine upon the more difficult and dark parts of my life.  I know that over time, these parts of myself will become less dark and my life will lighten up.  What I need to remind myself of is to be disciplined in my asking for this Light in my life. Through any effort I make, no matter how small, to sit in prayer and contemplation every day, I am placing myself in the Light (I expose myself). My life will lighten up, even if only at a snail's pace.  I have to be willing to put myself where I have any chance at all to receive light.  All manner of life offers Light: people, situations, media, places, objects, behaviors, attitudes. The only variable is my willingness or unwillingness to expose myself to what is.

Sometimes the Light we already have and are is called upon to be a tool for bringing Light to our life experiences. I am reminded of this by my sister's experience yesterday. By the way she became willing to be a tool of Light in a situation that required a very big sacrifice, she demonstrated trust in the 'Rule of Light'.  It might take years for her ongoing willingness to be the Light for her situation to become light, but it will over time, with certainty, become Light.  On a very mundane and superficial level, my red, now pink, sofa confirms this as true. All that is needed is patience and the willingness to continually practice exposing oneself to the Light.

Starting the New Year Allowing Mistakes

Today, I finally got around to finishing the holiday greeting I wanted to send out from my Constant Contact account.  It took me a while. Over the course of six weeks, my holiday wishes changed from an advent-oriented greeting to a winter solstice wish, to a New Years Eve encouragement and then finally a post-New Year's Day greeting.  I struggled with procrastination and perfectionism for weeks! I know I'm not alone in this kind of struggle.  I have a lot of compassion for those who struggle this way.  It is a common theme with many who come to me for support and guidance.  I don't want to say or do 'something wrong'.  I don't want to make a mistake that would adversely effect myself or anyone else.  I want to be sure what I do is 'good enough', won't be taken the wrong way, seem arrogant or ignorant.  So I struggle to get things done. 

A wise person told me: "Remember, that all mistakes are the source of growth.  Struggle is something different:  it is resistance to making a mistake-resistance to guidance from our Higher Power.  But even struggling is grounds for growth when the struggling stops." 

Mistakes are miss-takes.  Can I give myself permission to need a couple of  'takes' to get where I want to go, do what I want to do. become who I want to become? 

More on Darkness: What does it means to 'not be able to see'?

I get a daily meditation in my email every morning from Richard Rohr's Center for Action and Contemplation. Today's meditation was about seeing the way mystics see.  No pun intended, but it was an eye-opener for me!  Third-eye seeing is how mystics view the world. 

Rohr explains the three eyes through which a person might 'see'. I paraphrase here and encourage the reader to go to the source  The first eye seeing with our senses-sight and the awareness we have -the thought- as it is related to what we see through our actual sight.  The second eye Rohr says is the seeing through our reason, reflection and meditation. This takes what we see with our eyes to a 'deeper' level.  In my understanding it is gives us more knowledge about what we are 'seeing'. It may or may not result in a correct interpretation of what we think we see.  And the third eye seeing that mystics have cultivated  happens when there is this wondrous seeing that happens when as Rohr says " our heart space, our mind space and our body awareness are all simultaneously open and non resistant...a moment of deep inner connection (in The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See p.28).

How might we, as persons who dread the darkness (because we can not see with our sight), see? Certainly when I am in the 'I can't see' mode, I easily go to panic and fear. What I see or can't see is at best a distortion or it is not seeable because it is in darkness.  My heart is not open, it is closed in protection and survival mode. My mind is flooded only the idea 'of worse case scenario' , and my body is frozen with anxiety, or readying for fight or flight.  (Mostly for those with panic issues, the primary panic reaction is to freeze-followed at times by either actual flight or flight through dissociation.)

Now that I know there are more ways of seeing I can experiment with my relationship with darkness.  Bigger, broader, more inclusive and expansive ways of seeing are available to me.  I'm at the beginning of this learning curve-so I start first with the acknowledgement that what I 'see' or don't 'see' when I am in darkness may not be accurately thought about (interpreted) in my mind.  Am I willing to allow that possibility (I am opening my mind-just a crack)?  I insert the word 'Love' in the crack in my mind, so it does not snap shut. I put my focus on my heart, which might be racing at the moment, reinforcing the panic response.  I will say a mantra to my heart: "love... love...love" with each breath, helping the heart 'remember' love comes through it. I give my body permission to be very still, to listen to my mantra and to be still, but not needing to be frozen.  I THINK this is the process of the second eye: reason, meditation and reflection. I will do this practice tonight as I am in the darkness and let you know how it goes...

Darkness Awakens Our Panic (overwhelming anxiety/terror)

This weekend brought a culmination of a lot of darkness:  the scariness of Halloween, All Souls Day, Day of the Dead, The timing of the dark and new moon, and the time change, which plunges our late afternoon into the darkness of night. All this at one time is a shock to our beings-body, mind and emotions.  Bad timing, to have all this converge at one time-stirs up fears, dread and panic.  Many people I know dread the coming months: the short days, the early darkness and lack of light, barren landscape, holiday stresses and pressures, and for those of us in the northlands-the cold. One shared about the panic that overwhelms her with this darkness.  In asking the Creator of All that Is to care for her, this letter, prayer came forth.  I share it, because I know I have this 'panicked one' in me, too. Maybe you do as well. If so, may you know this Truth:

 

Dearest ____________:  (Dearest –because this letter is written to that dear one who is on the receiving end of the experience of panic, not the one doing the panicking.)

Panic attacks are a symptom of the ego* realizing it has absolutely no impact or ability to control what is external/outside of itself.  Darkness is one thing it is not possible to have control over, short of getting a really big spot light.  Even that option has limits to how much darkness it dispels, and ultimately  it just draws attention to the one holding the spotlight (us). For most of us that is worse than being in the dark. It is worse because the light is then focused on the parts of ourselves we don't really want others to see, or to acknowledge ourselves!

*Ego is an acronym for ‘Eclipsing God’s Oversight’ or ‘Eclipsing God’s Other’. Ego is also known as: local self/surface self/false self/mask.

 

Darkness is an invitation to experience the cost of Ego being in charge.  Like a child’s fear of the dark.  Out of the darkness come noises from that which cannot be seen. The child fears the noise (or silence) and the imagined, terrible source of the noise. We, too, have fright coming from things that cannot be seen (known). We too are terrified by the things we hear in our heads that cannot be confirmed or de-confirmed, and we live in fear/terror that our imagined ‘stuff’ might be true.  I have met only one person in all my years of working with others whose ‘stuff’ was as bad as they feared it might be.  In fact for this woman, her ‘stuff’ (what she had hidden in her inner darkness) was even worse than she imagined it could be. And yet, when she allowed herself to see with the EYES OF HER HEART-which is where real vision resides, she saw all the different facets of her hidden ‘stuff’.  This willingness to see allowed a Healing beyond her imagination and hope: Compassion, forgiveness, insight, personal transformation, a new ability to experience love. All this…and more became known and real to her. It is for everyone. That is a promise if a person is willing and begins to act from a place of being willing.  

There is a solution for all panic attacks.  However, the solution requires someone else be in charge, rather than who is currently running the life of the person experiencing the panic (or intolerable level of anxiety/ fear). That someone is whom I call the Divine One, and others call God, Higher Power, Creator, Love. This is a problem for most people because it requires an act of Faith.  Faith is acting even if we don't believe.  This is where the phrase ‘faith without action is dead’ or ‘Faith without action is nothing’ comes from.  Belief is not a requirement for Faith, but action is required if Faith is to have any chance to do her work.  Action and a willingness to act on Faith is the only invitation needed for healing change to occur.