Understanding My Life through the Art of Work

It’s been a little quiet on the Circle of Self Muse blog.  I’ve actually been writing a lot, daily in fact, on my http://mooncyclecircle.blogspot.com/.  I’ve been opening myself to all sorts of manifestations of the Muse as I move along the path of manifesting my work-as it evolves.  I am a survivor of 'self diagnosed' ADHD and dyslexia.  I am old enough that those diagnoses did not exist when I was a child, but I know from my experience at school, with reading and writing that I would have been relegated to the classroom of the learning disabled if they existed back in the 60’s.  My struggles with academics impacted my self-esteem greatly and caused me to doubt my intelligence, ideas and what I always felt was my ‘calling’.  In this past year, I committed to coming to terms with this struggle once and for all. 

I was in the middle of writing a vision for my work as part of my coming to terms with my work life when I came upon Jeff Goins’ book The Art of Work.  I agreed to write a book review, trying to fit my review within a thirty-day time frame, a bit of a challenge for me as my dyslexia makes me a very slow reader.  But, this book, which is so much more than about reinventing, rewriting, restructuring one’s life captured me, and I let myself take as much time as I needed to thoroughly digest the blessings Goins’ sends out to people like me who are still trying to claim for themselves what he calls their ‘vocation’. I have thoughts myself, about being too old, running out of time, having delusions about what I still could be or do.  Delving in to Goins’ guide, I now feel like I am actually ‘right on time’ for making a mark in my life.  Goins has opened my eyes to new ways of looking for inspiration about the work in my life and just how I can embrace what life presents me and use it to make changes in myself and in the world. 

Goins’ does not promise a rainbow at the end of the journey, in fact he doesn't promise an end to the journey! He also doesn’t offer any short cuts or quick-fix gimmicks.  His path to success is a path each of us will cut for ourselves—but not alone, and I stress this—this is not solitary path.  Rather he gives guidance and urgency to keep going.  To any readers out there who have never been able to focus on one thing, who have struggled with their gifts and talents and have not been able to weave them into a meaning tapestry, take heart.  The Art of Work gives me hope…and direction.  I especially invite those whose learn ‘outside the box’ or who have a history of giving their power and their gifts away (as many of those I have been privileged to work with have) to read this books. It offers hope for creating a life that matters and a workable path to success and mastery.


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the author and/or publisher through Speakeasy blogging book review network.  I was not required to write a positive review.  The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255

Agreeing to Follow the Acronym of G.O.D.

This morning I sat in my morning contemplation. Actually, I wiggled, jittered and squirmed until, finally, I gave into my antsy-ness and got up off my prayer cushion. Then, I paced, spun, and rambled aimlessly; first through the rooms of my house-mind flitting from a decorating idea for the kitchen, to noticing cobwebs between the sofa and the drapes, to concerns about not being able to pay the painter. I ended up out of doors; perhaps my spirit was hoping for relief. I attempted to engage body and mind in a morning gratitude ceremony.  That did not work either.  I experienced no stillness, no centeredness, and no peace of body, mind, heart or spirit.  All these behaviors are the actions I have come to understand as a part of me (probably ego) is trying to keep me from becoming aware of something that will necessitate some kind of change or letting go in my life. In short: these are all avoidance (and annoyance) behaviors.  I have come to understand them as avoiding G.O.D. behaviors, as well. 

Finally, I return to my office and slump down onto the prayer cushion.  The longevity of my attempts at meditation has given me a couple of good disciplines-one of which is a commitment that whenever I am wandering about without any healthy form of relief, I am willing to draw a tiny slip of paper from my ‘god bowl’ and do whatever the paper says.  Today is one of those days, and after only a brief internal argument, I pick a tiny slip from the bowl. IT reads: ‘Art’.  “Really,” I think “this makes no sense”!  But, I am committed to follow that little piece of paper.  My art supplies are downstairs in the basement, I have to go and find the crate I’ve tucked them away in.  I head for the basement, I pass through the kitchen and notice the pan of Tapioca pudding I started still sitting on the stove. I stop to stir it, see it’s ready to have the eggs added.  That takes up another fifteen minutes.  My squirrel mind circles back around to the original mission: art supplies.  I retrieve two or three crates before I find what I think I’m looking for.  I have too many felt tip markers to carry.  This gives me the idea that the crystal bowl in the dining room-the one I was going to give to good will-would make a beautiful marker holder.  

After a side trip to pick up the bowl (which did make a great container for the markers) I sat back on my cushion, with my recently retrieved sketch book and my G.O.D. journal. And I waited for inspiration.  I fidgeted some more.  

Finally, I reached over and picked up my journal and opened it revealing an entry from 9-13-13: “Our Song/Our Ode.  O.D.E. Our Divine Essence. What ode do we sing every day?” 

So…I pick up a pink marker and draw the outline of a single musical note on my sketch pad.  I hear the ode; Ode to the Soul, Song to the Soul, Soul’s ODE, soul’s song to the world.  I hear: ‘How Great Thou Art’ in my head: I write these words, in pink, on the page: “Then sings my soul, my precious song to thee: How great thou art!  How great thou Art! How great thou Art, Oh GOD. What you have created from the impulse of your being. 
…the created impulse of my being is Joy! Joy! My soul is singing!

That is how that little three letter word, a-r-t, and my commitment to discipline of doing what those little pieces of paper say, gave me back my centeredness and direction.   

This is my share about how the acronym G.O.D. works in my life!

http://www.allaboutgod.com/how-great-thou-art.htm  Carl Gustaf Boberg (1859-1940)

O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed:

Refrain

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee:
How great thou art! How great thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees,
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze:

Refrain

P.S. Acronyms for G.O.D. 

                Grace On Demand

                Good Orderly Direction

                Grace Of Divine

                Go On Doing

                Great Omnipotent Dream

    Grace Of Discipline

    Giver Of Directions

               

                

Lessons From Nature

I'm on a writing retreat at my sister Sara's beautiful, remote Texas Ranch (it's a real ranch b.t.w.).  I have set an intention to receive and write inspirations for the Moon Cycles.

Every Year when the time comes to write about the 12^th (December) moon cycle, the cycle of ‘Thank Truth’ and Jamie Sams’ clan mother image-Gives Praise, a different facet of gratitude and appreciation is shown to me.  Last year, I was aware of immense gratitude for my inner gifts and talents, and my writing asked for the courage to live these more fully in my life.  This year, I am sitting at a picnic table, the heat of the hot Texas wind sharp contrast to the winter images that come with this December moon writing. 

As I write, two tiny swallows are perched on the rafters of the lean-to porch.  Mother swallow approaches again and again, chirping and wildly flapping her wings.  It’s been several hours now, and they are still perched on their I-beam ledge.  Mother bird still flapping her wings and chirping.  I wonder if I would have that kind of patience and stamina.  I wonder how those little ones feel.  Are they scared?  Is it fly or die time?  Over this past week on the ranch, I have witnessed the after effects of five or six failed launch attempts.  It’s hard not to feel sad, even understanding this is all part of the circle of life. 

I have been like those little chicks.  So afraid to take my leap of faith, not trusting that I have what I need to launch myself, I let chances go by and opportunities die.  I’ve had some failed launches, too.  I’ve gone to great lengths to insure my safety with inch by inch movements, exhausting myself and the patience of others. I’ve thrown money and resources at an idea in hopes that this would make up for my lack of preparedness, knowledge or faith, exhausting both resources and myself.  I have enough faith now, and enough awareness and skill, to take my leap.  Where am I leaping to?  I’m leaping into my own being.  I’m really leaping into myself.  I am also leaping into Creation, of which I am already apart. 

Full Moon in Dark December

Today/tonight is the full moon for December's Moon Cycle.  My intention for the month has been noodling around in my mind...and out in the world.  I put in motion my intention to immerse myself in my Creative Aspect, and work with my Financial Element.  Just mentioning this at a gathering of women brought about a chorus of 'me too's'.  I felt inspired to have company and hear the willingness of these women to come together as a group and face yet one more, often debilitating issue in their/my/our life.
 
I sent an email request to a women I know who has held working groups for healthy money relationships.  I didn't hear back from her, and I used this as an excuse to not do more...waiting for a response.  My commitment noodled in my semi-conscious even though not conscious, changes about my relationship with money had taken root. I desire to have a different relationship with money--how I am with money, use money. Today, the morning of the full moon I resent my email to my colleague requesting help.  And I have two more plans as back-up and a recommended book:  "It's Not About the Money" by Brent Kessel to begin to read as I wait for the next step.

Today, on this full moon, I realize I am in charge of thoughts, words, actions...

The Phenomenon of Release: The Journey of Waning With the Moon

I’m curious to know what others experience when they release at the full moon.  Is there a different sensation of aftermath when we release/let go of those things which no longer serve us, or which hamper our growth from those times when we send out into the world a new project, intention or accomplishment? 

My usual way of being with my full moon work has been to do ceremony, be very present for the evening of the ceremony and the next morning I'm already moving on to the next thing in my life.  I am now aware my full moon energy has been more of a segmented piece in my cycle-work rather than part of a flow.  A comment from a COS participant led me to rethink how I had been doing my full moon ceremonies.  She commented it seemed to take a few days into the waning moon cycle for her to feel any shift from her full moon ceremony.  I  acnowkledged I had not taken the time to notice, instead done my usual thing of moving full steam ahead!

So this month when I finished my project on the full moon, I paid attention to the aftermath of sending my work out into the world.  First, I noticed how much I second guess myself.  I noticed how fear, anxiety andself-criticism seep into my thoughts after initial elation.  Less than 24 hours later, I start to doubt my work.  Day two, I am antsy to engage in something new to avoid thinking more about what I may or may not have done ‘good enough’.  Day three, I am grateful for a reset.  Talking with wise colleagues helps me center myself in my intention.   “Remember,” I tell myself, “you released your work to the world with a prayer.  It is out of your hands now, in God’s hands.  She will do what needs done with your efforts.”   I had ease and flow the rest of the day.

Day four:  An irritable Friday, I want to be left alone.  I have no flow of words.  It takes repeated efforts at mindfulness for me to acknowledge the underlying current of my discontent, and speak about it.  I am grateful I can stay centered, even when there is no resolution.  But still, no writing comes.  I’m glad for the distraction of my grandchildren.

Saturday, day five:  Is this the energy of the waning moon I notice?  This is a new feeling.  What I have released, sent out into the world also takes me out into the world a bit more as well.  I feel my willingness to continue on.  Despite distractions in the day, trips to the mall, playing with grand-girls and calls to multi-task, my writing self is with me all day.  I will start to carry a little notebook to jot down writing thoughts coming through me.  I don’t feel antsy or irritable about not beng home with access to my computer.  I 'm okay a bit of me is released into the world as well as my project.  In releasing, I have become fuller and more of my Self.  I filled pages and pages on rhythm and cycles, this morning. In the days to come I will edit them and perhaps a chapter will begin to emerge.  I am thinking about starting on the book proposal.  Already I am preparing for the next gestation. I will watch and listen and respond.  I am just at the threshold of understanding the power in the waning moon.

Done!

Ive been working on a project in relation with my Creative Aspect. I finished it today! I stepped out of my comfort zone and applied for a writing award.  Writing was a part of the application and that was challenging (and time consuming), though more challenging was the amount of reflection and deep digging I did searching for my identity as a person who writes.  I found pieces of my writing self in the process of writing the application.  I know I have more of this part of me to uncover, to discover.  Actually I am excited to continue this discovery and was thinking about what my next writing project will be.  Part of discipline is to continue the process.  I will still be  getting up at o'dark-thirty to write.  Poor Gary, he thought this was a temporary affliction.

Choosing What to Work With

            How do I choose what Aspect to work with?  This is one of the questions new Circle of Self ^® participants ask.  This moon cycle, I had a very specific focus in my life, which made a seemingly easy focus for what Aspect and Element to choose to work with:  Creative Aspect, Work/Career Element: developing my work as a writer. 

            There are two worksheets I use which helped me structure how I would best work with my intention for my work element. These are: Work/Career Element Instructions and Working with the 6C’s in the Work Element.  These worksheets help set up a structure for optimizing success. Both begin with questions geared to help us get in touch with our underlying personal history and our beliefs as they relate to our Creativity and our Work Life.   At the end of the Work/Career Element Instructions is this section:

Questions to Ponder

1) What awareness, memories, thoughts or ideas came to you as you completed your inner safe place exercise as it relates to your Work Element?

2)  What did you dream you would grow up to be when you were a child? Did you feel you had choices?

3)  What did you do that gave you the most pleasure as a child? (Also a question in the Creative Aspect/Leisure Element)

4)  Were there things you wished to do or were prevented from doing as a child which are unfinished longings or which you feel kept you from developing your qualities and skills to do your work in the world?

5) Who would you choose as mentors for developing a fulfilling work life? Spend some time making a list of 12 people you would have as mentors for supporting you in fully developing your Creative/Work Self.

6)  Have you met your goals and dreams for your Creative Self? Or in terms how you use the time you have designated as work time? If not, what has gotten in your way of meeting them?

I admit putting off coming to terms with my abilities as a writer for much of my adult life.  It doesn’t matter that I successfully wrote a dissertation, published in a professional journal, had writing skills developed enough (even with my spelling and punctuation difficulties) to construct a website.  The first four questions above have to do with personal history.  At the beginning of this moon cycle, I spent time writing about my history with writing. In doing so, I became clearer about the unfinished dreams and unhealed experiences from my childhood that had become some of the ‘we’s I wrote about in my blog the over the past few days.  Through answering these questions, I was also able to reconnect with some of dreams and the origin of some of my vision for who I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. 

The next task (question 5) is choosing mentors for my work in this element.  My council of mentors includes both historical (i.e. who have already died) and living, willing and able to give me face-time support.

The final question to ponder (#6) about goals and dreams is the most difficult for me to answer.  Truthfully, NO, I have not met my goals and dreams for my work, especially when it comes to being a writer as part of my profession.  Truthfully I have procrastinated (someone said procrastination was a five syllable word for sloth), fought myself, distracted myself and completed other worthwhile goals. Writing has been a longing, a desire, a nagging presence; but it has never been a priority.  Now, with this month, facing myself as a writer is my priority.  As the full moon approaches, I am ready to take a next step with some of my work I have done during the waxing part of this moon cycle. The waning phase of my moon cycle will focus on further development of my 6 C’s for the writer in me.

When 'I' is Really "We"

I worked with a client who always talked of herself as 'we'  rather than 'I'.  In my training as a young counselor I was taught that when a client uses 'we' when referring to themselves it meant they had difficulty owning their own behavior or identifying with themselves, really pretty simplistic, but that was the message in the dark ages of graduate school. I was taught to encourage my clients to use 'I'  instead.   Being a rebel in my counseling work from the start, I decided instead to explore who the 'we' was. This turned out to be a very productive process.  Who would she invite as her 'we' if she could choose?  Did she feel younger than her current age?  If  so, how young was her child 'we'?  Which 'we' got her in trouble? Which 'we' would it be helpful to take to work?  Which 'we' must never come to work?  Who is the 'we' shows up on dates?  Which 'we' made the decision to get married? Divorced?  Over the course of a number of sessions this client developed increasing compassion and love for herself, gradually replacing the destructive self-criticism. And she also was more and more willing and able to truly feel herself as an 'I'.

As I focus on my Creative Aspect this month, I have become quite aware of how my life history and experiences continue to support or sabotage of my efforts.  When I was six, I was humiliated by my second grade teacher for my poor spelling skills.  That six year old me still effects my writing, and I recognize that when I'm feeling tentative about my writing abilities, she is one of my 'we's.  For these times I created this visualization: while I am writingat my computer, I sit her on my lap.  I visualize sending love to that six year old Carolyn, unkempt braids, bad spelling and all.  And I continue typing, and as my readers may have notice, spelling poorly!

Tomorrow, I want to write about another 'we', the essential 'WE'.

Vision + Divine Will + Discipline=Creativity

Ahhh the new moon! My colleague and astrologer friend, Patti Podgornik took up her blogging skills again and posted some enlightening information about this new cycle. Here is a link to her informative blog from an astrologer's point of view:  thecelestialgarden  There are some similarities in our thoughts about the coming month-human relationships and creativity and clear vision and intention.  Check it out.

I'm working with a deadline due at the end of October, so I'm continuing my focus on my Creative Aspect for this new moon cycle, refining how I am working with all the creative elements in a more balanced way.  I mentioned a few blogs back about my struggle with keeping discipline at a good enough level my life. With a deadline looming in two weeks, I really need this quality as a force in my life.  I am reminded that discipline means either punishment, or a practice supporting learning and gaining  knowledge.  If I practice staying in alignment with Divine Will and keeping my Vision in focus, my discipline is a joyful rather than dreadful practice.  It hasn't always been that way. 

In the past I have procrastinated until the very last minute when I have had a deadline or commitment.  Then my discipline was to avoid self-inflicted punishment or external negative consequences.  I feel so blessed.  Every day as I take a few moments of prayer and meditation (mindfulness)  in the early morning darkness, I use the morning star as a reminder God's will is with me even when not visible.  Just so is God's love.  I embody as much  of both as I can muster before I start my day.  I also am feeling the strong support of community connected with my own creative work.  Several Circle members have big creative projects and commitments as do some colleagues.  Add to these more local connections all of the members who have gone through the Agents of Conscious Change training (which I became a part of a year ago last summer) and I am filled with support. Not only do I feel blessed--I am blessed!

History, Vision and Commitment

With all the traveling I have been doing over the past few weeks, I am happily surprised to have held my vision in focus despite changes in scenery and tugs from all directions for my attention.  My focus hasn't been perfect, just good enough to continue to have forward movement and steadiness in my commitments-to my circle of self monthly goals and my long term health goals.  It seems commitments (in this case to daily blogging as a writing commitment) and having blogging connected to my vision and understanding of living more fully my life purpose. 

I am working broadly with my Creative Self this month.  Everyone of my Elements in this aspect is tied to my vision both for my life purpose, as well as for the development of my creative self. My commitment to blogging daily reflects my commitment to developing my writer archetype.  It has been an amazing journey.  The more I write the more my writing seems to flow. As I write, blog and journal, I also have been surprised at how I am understanding my personal history from a clearer perspective.  Unfinished business is coming up to be resolved. My Vision Calling and Purpose statements  from my Circle of Self worksheet Circle of Self Forms Page  help me find the willingness needed to work through some old issues that are cropping up.  Integrity in work clothes (discipline) is becoming more second nature.  Of course, I expect there will be a test soon to see if I am serious!  Life seems to be that way.  The serenity prayer helps: Divine Will in action.