Taking Time for Presence=Path to Balance

As I move through the waning phase of this 11^th moon cycle, I find myself becoming more aware of a pull toward quiet time with just myself; no distractions, no cell phone, not even a knitting project to distract me.  I am longing for some time to reconnect with myself – my deep within myself SELF.  I would call this SELF the ‘me’ which springs from the place of the inner soul on the circle of self map. From this place all the Aspects and Elements receive my attention and care. When I don’t give this SELF adequate attention, balance in the rest of my life falls off-or falls apart.  The story of Walks Tall Women relates the need for women to take time for silence and retreat on a regular basis.  It’s good to have this reminder as we enter the time before the holiday crush. 

In my spiritual practice, I honor the keeping of the Advent ritual, also reminding us to be still, to reflect, and also to stay awake, not unlike time spent in vision questing.   While I may not be able to fit in 4 days and 4 nights as I would questing.  I can find four hours this week to just be with myself.  From this place of being, I can begin to see the places where I am not at ease with my life.  I can face my self-judgments and I can allow the inner order coming from Divine Direction through my Soul to manifest more clearly.  Using the image of the Circle of Self Map as a focal point, I invite the best rhythm and balance for my life to become an ongoing presence in my life.

 

 

Serendipity

My experience with myself and with many people I have worked with over the years is we all stop doing what supports us and would take us in the direction our spirit and soul calls us to go.  The visual is that of a trapeze artist who at some point has to let go of one rope in order to take hold of the next one.  As I observe my own work, I see myself stop coaching sessions, skip my daily practices, and commit other forms of self-sabotage, just when I am ready to reach a goal or take an idea from decision to creation. I’ve seen the same behavior in clients as well, taking a break from counseling just as they are about to round the bend on some difficult issue. I’ve seen it in my students working on their dissertation-giving up when in the final chapter, or not completing  a required re-write after their defense. Clients will say something like-oh, I'm going to take a few weeks off, I'm so busy (or whatever reason they have).  Unfortunately, just like the trapeze artist who fails to take the bar, the ricochet effect of not going forward causes an even bigger set back and requires more hard work, time and energy, than before.

The day I forgot to publish my blog I happened to be writing a new segment on discipline and commitment for the Circle of Self ^® website. When I went back and read the above paragraph, I really did have to laugh at myself!  I was writing about what I was about to do again-derail myself.  Only this time I haven’t.  And I pray daily for divine intervention around my attempts to self-sabotage.  This is one difference.  There is another difference as well.  My thirty day blog commitment is not so much a goal in itself.  Rather, it represents a very deep personal decision, and a profound knowing and commitment about the absolute necessity to make a permanent change in my life.  I believe that every one of us experiences a couple of times in our lives when we know for certain we are at a crossroads.  This is one of those times.

Distraction, Disappointment, Discipline,

This morning I realized I had not published my blog post from yesterday.  It was written, just not published.  Does that count in my commitment to blog every day fro the month of October?  I am disappointed in myself. I find myself resenting the ease with which I get distracted, even when I am behaving in a way that feels like I am disciplined.

I chide myself about not being able to keep a thirty day commitment-just one day of getting slightly off track ruined it.  A few distractions was all it took.  I am so disappointed in myself, for being just enough out of alignment with my intention on my quest for discipline. 
I tell myself I can't help my disappointment and judgment and self-flagellating.  Part of this in NOT true-the last two I can help and I can stop. I can acknowledge my disappointment (that is a feeling that came as a reaction). I can choose to have disappointment without the negative judgment and without beating myself up. 

What is it about ME that I can't make even a week of a thirty day commitment (requiring less than a half an hour a day!).  This morning I heard on NPR th estory of a woman marine lieutenant who has committed to make it through 86 sixteen-hour days to prove herself.  When the story aired she's on day one.  She is committed to 85 more so she can set a path for other women.  The only other woman marine in the class did not make it through day one. Neither did 30% of the male marines.  Then I heardthe story about the butterfly professor who committed to 40 years of study to create the I-max film on butterfly migration.  40 years-I couldn't even make four days before being tripped-up! Wow!  I was realy getting down on myself!

If I look from a higher perspective is see these all are cycles-16 hours, 24 hours, 4 days, 30 days, 85 days, 40 years...all cycles and cycles within cycles. Cycles:  beginning-ending, receiving-giving, creating-disassembling, holding on-letting go, resting-moving, allowing-stopping.  Cycles are both spiral and at the same time have starting and stopping points, both/and not either/or. There is a connection between cycles and reading between the lines. Maybe the lines are the space within which our cycles occur? Is it more important to know the lines or to know what is between them?

Why We Cry

I received an email this morning asking how to get through crying at work.  I immediately related to the problem from my own issues around crying.  I could empathize with this person who reached out for a bit of advice and support.  I used to be embarrassed when I would cry in front of people-particularly people with whom I felt, at some level, insecure with or inferior to.

Over time I got quite good at controlling my tears. However, there were times and situations that would arise when I was not able to control the open/shut valve in my tear ducts. Those times were terribly shaming for me, increasing my experience of being less than, or stupid, or immature, or unprofessional...the list goes on and on.

There are physiological reasons for tears flowing from our tear ducts. The wisegeek.com blog gives a good summary:
There are many theories on why people cry emotional tears. One such is that there are proteins in tears, which are the same components in certain hormone. One of the biggest of these is prolactin, present in greater levels in women than in men. Women use prolactin in large supply when they are nursing infants, and in the first few days after having a baby, breastfeeding that baby may produce very strong emotional response as prolactin levels increase massively. Women also report feeling very calm, sleeping or spaced out during the first few weeks after a baby’s birth because of the high levels of this hormone. Not only does prolactin stimulate lactation, but it also tends to have an overall calming effect. It may be the case that prolactin, and other hormones like it are part of a mood regulation system. When we perceive physical or emotional pain, these hormones may build, and produce greater amounts of tears. Thus people cry, and this release may be calming too, helping to restore mood.
To read more go to http://www.wisegeek.com/why-do-people-cry.htm 

There is a profound purpose for our tears flowing that goes beyond the physiological reasons for 'emotional' tears:

Crying is our Soul's way of speaking to us, getting our attention. Through crying, our Soul is asking us to accept the deep inner wisdom and knowing that brings peace and abundance* to our life. If we can but listen for the words within our tears we will experience all we need to get through our current situation.

*abundance [via Old French from Latin abundantia, from abundāre to abound] : 

1. A great or plentiful amount.

2. Fullness to overflowing: "My thoughts . . . are from the abundance of my heart" (Thomas De Quincey).

3. Affluence; plentifulness

4. Benevolence

5. Plenitude of God’s goodness and spiritual gifts  

        Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © Harper Collins Publishers 1991, 1994,
        1998, 2000, 2003
6. Not just referring to having money and 'stuff' (Carolyn Faivre)

When you cry, can you hear the message within your tears? When you witness another crying, can you hear the words in their tears?  If you could, how would/could your experience be different?