If Self Help Doesn't Work, What Does?

This morning I was contemplating more on the dilemma of self -help being a losing proposition.

I sat with my 'listening to GOD journal' (G.O.D. is my acronym for Grace of Divine/Guidance of Divine/Good Orderly Direction)  and these thoughts came through.  I share them here straight off the page!

The Myth of Self Help

Do you have a place you can 'Be Yourself'?

“Just be yourself!”  I am sure Cheryl Richardson, seminar leader at Movers and Shakers in Chicago last month had no idea what she was asking when she gave that suggestion for how to succeed when getting up to speak on stage! As a child, the only place I ever felt I could really ‘be myself’ was in my own room with the door closed away from my parents, six siblings and a usual cousin or two.  My perception of being ‘myself’ while growing up is that the ‘self’ was routinely met with disappointment and disapproval by those who had power and influence over my life.  So, I did all the 'stuff' I identified  as 'me' in private and behind the closed doors of my bedroom.  I read, drew, wrote, day-dreamed, created ‘cutesy’ art objects and projects in my room, where no one would bother me; until my mother sang loudly up the stairwell for “Lazy Carolyn” to wake up. 

So when Cheryl asked us to ‘be yourself’, I was overcome with a feeling of being incredibly exposed. I wanted to leave, right then!  I had come to the seminar to learn how to 'move and shake' in the world. Instead, I came to realize how much shame and embarrassment I felt about the parts of me which I identified as ‘myself’. I came face to face with a governing belief that ‘myself’ is not good enough or acceptable (in-fact awfully embarrassing)  to show in the outside world. 

Right then, rather than get up and leave as was my urge, I prayed with a desperate awareness: I MUST sort out the shame and embarrassment from my gifts, talents and skills.  This is the only way I will be able to live and express my ‘self', (maybe even with a capital ‘S’—yes definitely with a capital ‘S’ Self), in the outside world.

What am I doing about this ah-ha  and 'wake-up' call?  Well, a number of things: getting support from a wise therapist who is willing to address this core difficulty; and surrounding myself with others who are also working on shedding the ‘sheltering’ but vermin- infested robes of shame, guilt, and embarrassment.  I connect daily with a partner and we commit to each other to complete one small action of stepping-up and stepping-out.  I nudge, nourish and love myself, with the help and support of others to let go of isolating and hiding behaviors.  It IS often a slow, tedious process. I am am continually made aware by my experiences and my work with others that this CAN NOT be done alone, by oneself and have any lasting true change. I need others on the journey with me--like many of the people who were at the Movers and Shakers conference.

I sit in prayer and contemplation, as best as I am able, and I do this--yup--early in the morning, just like the song asks! I work with my Muse (who often visits me early in the morning-go figure). Slowly and cautiously, but ever more bravely, ever more courageously, I make myself and my endeavors available to the world.  You will see this very soon on my evolving Circle of Self Website.  I am an earnest, though often timid, learner of a new song I sing to myself : “Creative Carolyn, will you wake up?”

Do you, too, want to go back into hiding when your are suggested to ‘be yourself?’  Are you being nudged to 'wake up'?

My Inner Muse FINALLY Wakes Up (again)!

Holy Time

I haven't posted on this blog for quite some time.  As if the Muse went into hiding.  Perhaps hibernation is a gentler word.  It gives a different meaning to the time I have spent away from this place that is a venue for my writing to reach out to others (and to risk being visible in the world). Recently, I have been contemplating and praying on my longing for writing.  Here is what came today:

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Actually, all time is Holy Time,

And I am so distracted

 I don’t recognize the holy minutes and holy seconds

as they flow in and out of me.

But if I practice experiencing my early mornings as Holy Time,

Perhaps it will seep more and more into my days as a WHOLE.

And perhaps my nights will become incubation for Holy Time,

So my dreams will carry more and more a holy message for my life.

And then perhaps my life will have enough holiness

My breath can be a holy mist out to the lives of others.

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Let it be so. Let it be so.

Religious versus Spiritual as it relates to my Circle of Self

I did get some feedback about my last post.  Some who read my blog know I am an ordained minister through the seminary where I taught a number of years ago.  So, to them, it was odd that I would even write about being religious. Hadn't I already made that pronouncement when I was ordained?  Not really.  It has only been in the last year or so that I have begun to think of myself this way.  I was ordained under a church whose purpose was for 'spiritual healing', and I thought of myself as 'spiritual' and my ordination more about offering 'healing energy'.
It has only been during the past few years, particularly the last 22 or so months, when I began working more deeply with my own self-sabotaging behaviors, did I come to a place where I was confronted by how I was living, or not living, as a 'spiritual person'.  The difference, I think, is this: I am a spiritual being and I am a religious person.  I made a commitment to living all the aspects of my life in alignment with my understanding of my purpose. When I made that decision and that commitment, I accepted that more was being asked of me in terms of aligning my will to the will of God/Creator/Divine One/Higher Power.  Something changed inside of me, and in the way I perceived the world.  What I had previously called a spiritual practice shifted somehow to become deeper, more profound, and yes more demanding.  While I do not wear a 'habit' or a robe or collar to show my 'religious commitment,  I hope the way I live my life slowly shows as a visible example of what it means to live in accountability to the Divine One, to the Creator of All.  My life path is to re-align my self, returning my own individual cell of the Body of God,(unique and always with room for improvement, and hopefully humble) back to it's Owner.

A Confession

I have a confession to make: I am a closet religious. I admit, I am a religious person. I know the word religious has gotten a really bad name over the course of the 30 or 40 years. And, based on the painful and punitive nature of some of my (and many others) childhood church experiences it is amazing I have been able to arrive at this place in my life. But I have to admit, I have, I am and I am relieved to admit it.

 I was reading Richard Rohr’s morning meditation and he gave an interpretation to religious in its’ original Latin roots:   re-ligio = re-align.  The core of my belief: we are all ‘cells in the body of God’.  In fact, I believe that all of Creation are cells of the body of God. Our job, for our life on earth plane,  is to return ourselves to the Body of God  enriched and ripened and more of who we are in the depths of our Souls.  That is most clearly my purpose in life: to re-align myself with the Divine One, with Creator and Creation.  If that is what’ religious’ means, I am relieved to be religious.  I am happy to be able to add that to my list of self-descriptors.  There is something freeing about being able to say this.  I feel as though I have given myself permission to include an enormous amount of resources of knowledge, wisdom and inspiration for the direction of my life.  And PEOPLE!  And COMMUNITY!  And I feel I am able to turn my eyes and intention toward a very small hope that I might someday stand in with the saints I so loved reading about as a child.  There.  I said it. I hope this doesn’t mean my blog site implodes!