What's True? Is This a Mistake or Something Wonderful? (or 'How what is true, constantly changes')

This is a picture of the front of my house at 6:30 this morning: a small excavator struggling with the mud in the middle of my torn up driveway.  Entrance totally blocked. Can't get in, can't get out.   Feels a bit like my life at the moment.  BUT... What's the truth about this scene?  I'm getting a new driveway; another upgrade to my house and my life.  What is true today (entrance to my house is blocked) will be different from what is true tomorrow (a great rut-free, safe, attractive driveway).

In January of 2015. I made a decision to give myself a home that nurtured and supported me (and everyone who came for a session, a visit, or to live). In February, I took a deep breath, held on tight to a trust in Divine Guidance, swallowed hard and traded prosperous dollars for a house in need of some major upgrades.  In March I sat with my spouse and we came to an agreement about what was a need and what was a want-another time for a deep breath and a surrender to trust. In April, the 66 year old heating system was torn out and an entirely new ducts and system put in- a huge, life-disrupting mess.  In May, lived through the skin of my house being torn off to the bones, and new insulation, siding transformed my little run-down house to a sweet cottage home another huge mess and chaos.  Now, in the middle of June, mud, dirt, gravel, noise, and a bobcat stuck in the driveway. It's just a temporary glitch in the process of creating a solid and inviting entrance to my 'new' space.

I didn't know at the time made the decision to have this little house become my long term home what was It was REALLY committing to in terms of time, money and the chaos of demolition and construction.  I thought about this in terms of the Moon Cycle Teaching for this month: the call for each of us Love Truth.  Loving Truth has become for me two things: 1) a willingness to accept and embrace what is right in front of me (people, experiences and feelings) without judgment or fear,  and 2) this accepting and embracing can only bring more Love and and more expansive Truth to my life.

I am experiencing an amazing freedom coming to this way of Loving Truth.  My life these last 6 months has been a lot like the experience of turning this house into the vision I had for a home of my own.   Both have been messy, glitch-filled, full of surprises, requiring flexibility, revealing unexpected blessings and  unfolding in loveliness and possibility--oh and more messiness.  I'm learning to be okay with messiness-it's part of the process of unfolding creation.

If Self Help Doesn't Work, What Does?

This morning I was contemplating more on the dilemma of self -help being a losing proposition.

I sat with my 'listening to GOD journal' (G.O.D. is my acronym for Grace of Divine/Guidance of Divine/Good Orderly Direction)  and these thoughts came through.  I share them here straight off the page!

The Myth of Self Help

Do you have a place you can 'Be Yourself'?

“Just be yourself!”  I am sure Cheryl Richardson, seminar leader at Movers and Shakers in Chicago last month had no idea what she was asking when she gave that suggestion for how to succeed when getting up to speak on stage! As a child, the only place I ever felt I could really ‘be myself’ was in my own room with the door closed away from my parents, six siblings and a usual cousin or two.  My perception of being ‘myself’ while growing up is that the ‘self’ was routinely met with disappointment and disapproval by those who had power and influence over my life.  So, I did all the 'stuff' I identified  as 'me' in private and behind the closed doors of my bedroom.  I read, drew, wrote, day-dreamed, created ‘cutesy’ art objects and projects in my room, where no one would bother me; until my mother sang loudly up the stairwell for “Lazy Carolyn” to wake up. 

So when Cheryl asked us to ‘be yourself’, I was overcome with a feeling of being incredibly exposed. I wanted to leave, right then!  I had come to the seminar to learn how to 'move and shake' in the world. Instead, I came to realize how much shame and embarrassment I felt about the parts of me which I identified as ‘myself’. I came face to face with a governing belief that ‘myself’ is not good enough or acceptable (in-fact awfully embarrassing)  to show in the outside world. 

Right then, rather than get up and leave as was my urge, I prayed with a desperate awareness: I MUST sort out the shame and embarrassment from my gifts, talents and skills.  This is the only way I will be able to live and express my ‘self', (maybe even with a capital ‘S’—yes definitely with a capital ‘S’ Self), in the outside world.

What am I doing about this ah-ha  and 'wake-up' call?  Well, a number of things: getting support from a wise therapist who is willing to address this core difficulty; and surrounding myself with others who are also working on shedding the ‘sheltering’ but vermin- infested robes of shame, guilt, and embarrassment.  I connect daily with a partner and we commit to each other to complete one small action of stepping-up and stepping-out.  I nudge, nourish and love myself, with the help and support of others to let go of isolating and hiding behaviors.  It IS often a slow, tedious process. I am am continually made aware by my experiences and my work with others that this CAN NOT be done alone, by oneself and have any lasting true change. I need others on the journey with me--like many of the people who were at the Movers and Shakers conference.

I sit in prayer and contemplation, as best as I am able, and I do this--yup--early in the morning, just like the song asks! I work with my Muse (who often visits me early in the morning-go figure). Slowly and cautiously, but ever more bravely, ever more courageously, I make myself and my endeavors available to the world.  You will see this very soon on my evolving Circle of Self Website.  I am an earnest, though often timid, learner of a new song I sing to myself : “Creative Carolyn, will you wake up?”

Do you, too, want to go back into hiding when your are suggested to ‘be yourself?’  Are you being nudged to 'wake up'?

My Inner Muse FINALLY Wakes Up (again)!

Holy Time

I haven't posted on this blog for quite some time.  As if the Muse went into hiding.  Perhaps hibernation is a gentler word.  It gives a different meaning to the time I have spent away from this place that is a venue for my writing to reach out to others (and to risk being visible in the world). Recently, I have been contemplating and praying on my longing for writing.  Here is what came today:

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Actually, all time is Holy Time,

And I am so distracted

 I don’t recognize the holy minutes and holy seconds

as they flow in and out of me.

But if I practice experiencing my early mornings as Holy Time,

Perhaps it will seep more and more into my days as a WHOLE.

And perhaps my nights will become incubation for Holy Time,

So my dreams will carry more and more a holy message for my life.

And then perhaps my life will have enough holiness

My breath can be a holy mist out to the lives of others.

My early mornings are Holy Time.

Let it be so. Let it be so.

Religious versus Spiritual as it relates to my Circle of Self

I did get some feedback about my last post.  Some who read my blog know I am an ordained minister through the seminary where I taught a number of years ago.  So, to them, it was odd that I would even write about being religious. Hadn't I already made that pronouncement when I was ordained?  Not really.  It has only been in the last year or so that I have begun to think of myself this way.  I was ordained under a church whose purpose was for 'spiritual healing', and I thought of myself as 'spiritual' and my ordination more about offering 'healing energy'.
It has only been during the past few years, particularly the last 22 or so months, when I began working more deeply with my own self-sabotaging behaviors, did I come to a place where I was confronted by how I was living, or not living, as a 'spiritual person'.  The difference, I think, is this: I am a spiritual being and I am a religious person.  I made a commitment to living all the aspects of my life in alignment with my understanding of my purpose. When I made that decision and that commitment, I accepted that more was being asked of me in terms of aligning my will to the will of God/Creator/Divine One/Higher Power.  Something changed inside of me, and in the way I perceived the world.  What I had previously called a spiritual practice shifted somehow to become deeper, more profound, and yes more demanding.  While I do not wear a 'habit' or a robe or collar to show my 'religious commitment,  I hope the way I live my life slowly shows as a visible example of what it means to live in accountability to the Divine One, to the Creator of All.  My life path is to re-align my self, returning my own individual cell of the Body of God,(unique and always with room for improvement, and hopefully humble) back to it's Owner.