I have read and heard these words over and over again from every wise teacher who has crossed my path: the source of pain* is not in the letting go, but in the holding on. This teaching is very simple and also very complex. Simple; "just let go". Complex, our very existence (who we believe, see, sense and feel ourselves to be-our identity) seems dependent on our not letting go. In essence, there are times in our lives when our pain* is so great, the pain* becomes 'us'. We can no longer differentiate the source of pain* inside us from the source of pain* coming from outside of us, from who we are instead of the pain*. This creates an infinite feedback loop, which can only end up in hopelessness.
We MUST find some way to step outside of the feedback loop of this hopeless self and, at the very same time, stay connected to our actual self. Addictive patterns (alcohol, anger, controlling, debt, dependency, drugs, exercise, gambling, food, internet, love, narcotics, OCB, perfection, religion, ruminating, sex, shopping, sleep, texting, TV, unresolved grief, voyeurism, work...there is an entire alphabet of addictions) initially take us outside/away from our pain*. These behaviors do seem to fulfill the first step: of getting outside of pain-filled self. They initially offer a very effective, though temporary, way of relieving the feeling and seemingly unbearable intensity of our pain*. However, they prevent the necessary second part: staying connected to our self.
This is my simplistic way of understanding : relief responses become habitual responses, then compulsive, obsessive and addicted responses and we become fully identified with this terrible feedback loop and totally lost from who we were before any of these behaviors became solutions to our problems.
By the time most of us get to the place of hopelessness, we have lost all sense of who we are and why we are here. If we hadn't we would not yet be hopeless. The infinity loop is a great symbol for how our journey into hopelessness occurs. It also reveals where we find the lost connection to our self:
The point of intersection is the
place where our self exists
↓
Life
events ∞Relief Responses (may become habits, compulsions, addictions)
If we are to move beyond hopelessness we must find/get back (recover) Our Self. This is the starting point for having a life, growing up, having happiness. Personally, I have found no way to avoid the need for recovering 'my self'. Believe me, I've tried all kinds of behaviors, solutions and substitutions. Spirituality, therapy and 12-step programs are the three main paths that I know of for getting back to our self. I've summarized from the twelve-step process, my understanding of what MUST be included for any of chosen paths to be successful in supporting us finding our self:
We admit we are powerless and no human power could relieve us of our pain* (this is hopelessness), a power greater than ourselves can when we become willing to turn our pain*/ourselves over to this Greater Power (this is surrender), and with the aid of this Greater Power and the witness of a trustful person we look thoroughly and honestly at our lives, our beliefs, our fears from their beginnings (this is letting go). This whole paragraph is NECESSARY. The words in bold are the critical key to get to the intersection in the feedback loop: the place of getting to our real self. After the letting go comes the Grace part...to be continued.
*pain: fear which is not understood, released or resolved ultimately presents as pain. This can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual pain.
