Dealing With Being Done

Is there a common thread of reaction to the day that follows a big event?  Like buyer's remorse, or the letdown after Christmas, or post vacation blues?  Yesterday I completed and sent off in the mail a big project, a personal challenge I succeeded in accomplishing.  I was giddy with elation about my being done.  This morning, as I woke to continue my morning writing practice, anxiety and fear were waiting to take the place of sleep.  The very fear and doubt I wrote about in one of my competition essays was right where I said they were: sentinels guarding the door of progress.  Fortunately, I recognized them for what they were-feelings masquerading as truth.  They seem a common response for many of us, a kind of let down after exertion or anticipation. By laughing at myself some, I could move beyond my reactions.

But, under that was another layer of discontent: What was next?  I'm feeling at a loss for where to direct all this energy I have, where is my direction?  At the same time, the unfinished issues I  set aside while giving so  much attention to my project are still waiting for me.  I reread my poem from a few days ago.  It isn't that I have nothing to work at or for or with, it is being still long enough to feel the guidance of Divine Direction.  After all, that was the origin, the source that moved me and supported me my recent efforts.  Ahhhhhhh. I breathe.  I see what is in front of me:  daily blogging, daily personal review; continue to greet the morning star, make a dentist appointment and one for the dog's check-up.  Pay bills, chop wood carry water.  Literally.  Do this and more shall be revealed; it always is.  Promise.

Done!

Ive been working on a project in relation with my Creative Aspect. I finished it today! I stepped out of my comfort zone and applied for a writing award.  Writing was a part of the application and that was challenging (and time consuming), though more challenging was the amount of reflection and deep digging I did searching for my identity as a person who writes.  I found pieces of my writing self in the process of writing the application.  I know I have more of this part of me to uncover, to discover.  Actually I am excited to continue this discovery and was thinking about what my next writing project will be.  Part of discipline is to continue the process.  I will still be  getting up at o'dark-thirty to write.  Poor Gary, he thought this was a temporary affliction.

Do We Ever Do Anything Truly Alone?

I don't think there is ever a job we are required to do totally alone. In fact, I have come to believe that even when we think we are alone, we are not alone.  At the very least, our beliefs, past experiences, fears, hopes, other people's influence, all of these are with us.  Our entire subconscious and unconscious and collective unconscious ride along with our conscious.  That is quite a crowd!

I woke up thinking about not wanting to do things alone.  My dreams from last night are vague, but had something to do with lots of boxes (a carry over from writing yesterdays blog post?). I woke with one of those headaches I get from over-concentrating.  I must have been doing that in my sleep. 

If I am going to clean out my personal Pandora's box, I will have help along the way, whether I want it or not.  So, I might as well activily choose my helpers.  Hmmm, I have circled round to the issue of will again. 

The Weight of Unfinished Issues

(From yesterday) my summary in a nutshell: The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well. 

Unfinished Issues
What once seemed a box of treasure
Now carries the weight of Pandora's Box!
I opened it anyway. 
What choice did I have?
My choice was to change or have more of the same.
I've already chosen the change.
Surprising, but nothing popped out.
I looked in.  My stuff looked back.
It's not as dark in there as I thought it would be.
Where did all this stuff come from?
I look further inside to see what's there in more detail.
Stuff I was too busy to deal with.
Things I didn't want to think about.
Wishes that turned into nightmares.
Old hurts.
Whew! A lot of resentments!
Stuff I STILL need to take responsibility for.
Swallowed apologies.
A lot of self-doubt.
Preconceived ideas.
I see dreams stuffed in every corner;
Held down by shoulds, cant's, and shame.
Sorting all this out could take a while.
Do I really have that kind of time?
I'm so busy.
Isn't that where I started?

More On Choosing an Aspect/Element

When I choose to work with an aspect or a specific element, it is usually because there is an issue in my life which needs my attention.  This issue might be one that impacts the element I am focusing on, or it will take action from this element to resolve the troublesome issue in another Aspect or Element. Only occasionally do I ‘get’ to choose to work with an element just for the pleasure of it. 

Near the end of the last moon cycle I completed the “What’s Happening in My Life Now?” worksheet.  I've been completing these worksheets on the dark moon for the last six cycles and I could see a pattern emerging in my answers.  Over the past months my discontent was growing in my Creative Aspect.  As this dis-ease grew in my Creative Aspect, it spilled over into my Relationship Aspect, particularly in the Partner Element.  I noticed in my Personal Aspect, while I was experiencing a new sense of ease in my spirituality, I was slacking off caring for my body, and my self-confidence and self-esteem were wearing away at my self-worth. 

Truth is, I had become pretty self-critical and when I looked at what was happening in my life, everything pointed to the unfinished issues in my Creative Aspect.   Even my Collective Aspect, which usually nurtures me, was showing signs of neglect in my monthly summaries. 
One of the ways I work with my collection of recent  Monthly Summaries, and the 'What’s Happening in My Life Now' worksheets is to draw a word-map showing how the my responses in the summaries are interconnected.  From my mapping I can get an image of the primary issue impacting the others.  This kind of mapping works well for me as I am a very visual person.  If I can figure out our scanner (It could take a few days, so be patient), I'll scan a sample and post it on the blog site, on the chance this way of looking at the monthly summaries is a useful idea for others. . 

In the meantime, here's my summary in a nutshell:  The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well.  I began by doing some serious pondering of the questions posed in the instruction section of the Work/Career Element Work/Career Element Instructions.  Also see the blog post from 10/26/2012

 

 

 

 

 

Choosing What to Work With

            How do I choose what Aspect to work with?  This is one of the questions new Circle of Self ^® participants ask.  This moon cycle, I had a very specific focus in my life, which made a seemingly easy focus for what Aspect and Element to choose to work with:  Creative Aspect, Work/Career Element: developing my work as a writer. 

            There are two worksheets I use which helped me structure how I would best work with my intention for my work element. These are: Work/Career Element Instructions and Working with the 6C’s in the Work Element.  These worksheets help set up a structure for optimizing success. Both begin with questions geared to help us get in touch with our underlying personal history and our beliefs as they relate to our Creativity and our Work Life.   At the end of the Work/Career Element Instructions is this section:

Questions to Ponder

1) What awareness, memories, thoughts or ideas came to you as you completed your inner safe place exercise as it relates to your Work Element?

2)  What did you dream you would grow up to be when you were a child? Did you feel you had choices?

3)  What did you do that gave you the most pleasure as a child? (Also a question in the Creative Aspect/Leisure Element)

4)  Were there things you wished to do or were prevented from doing as a child which are unfinished longings or which you feel kept you from developing your qualities and skills to do your work in the world?

5) Who would you choose as mentors for developing a fulfilling work life? Spend some time making a list of 12 people you would have as mentors for supporting you in fully developing your Creative/Work Self.

6)  Have you met your goals and dreams for your Creative Self? Or in terms how you use the time you have designated as work time? If not, what has gotten in your way of meeting them?

I admit putting off coming to terms with my abilities as a writer for much of my adult life.  It doesn’t matter that I successfully wrote a dissertation, published in a professional journal, had writing skills developed enough (even with my spelling and punctuation difficulties) to construct a website.  The first four questions above have to do with personal history.  At the beginning of this moon cycle, I spent time writing about my history with writing. In doing so, I became clearer about the unfinished dreams and unhealed experiences from my childhood that had become some of the ‘we’s I wrote about in my blog the over the past few days.  Through answering these questions, I was also able to reconnect with some of dreams and the origin of some of my vision for who I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. 

The next task (question 5) is choosing mentors for my work in this element.  My council of mentors includes both historical (i.e. who have already died) and living, willing and able to give me face-time support.

The final question to ponder (#6) about goals and dreams is the most difficult for me to answer.  Truthfully, NO, I have not met my goals and dreams for my work, especially when it comes to being a writer as part of my profession.  Truthfully I have procrastinated (someone said procrastination was a five syllable word for sloth), fought myself, distracted myself and completed other worthwhile goals. Writing has been a longing, a desire, a nagging presence; but it has never been a priority.  Now, with this month, facing myself as a writer is my priority.  As the full moon approaches, I am ready to take a next step with some of my work I have done during the waxing part of this moon cycle. The waning phase of my moon cycle will focus on further development of my 6 C’s for the writer in me.

A Humble Story of aligning My Will in Action

I have a confession:  Last night as I was writing my blog posting on the big ‘We’ of living in alignment with Divine/God’s Will, I had a difficult time putting into useful and truthful words the different ways the three ways of being with ‘will’ express themselves in life.  What I most wanted to do was say my favorite swear phrase, shut the computer off and over-ride my daily blogging commitment.  I persevered, asking myself which position of my will was active: self will, other’s will or God’s will?  After all, this was a perfect example for exploring the use of will, but being in the throes of my inner conflict, I couldn’t see this clearly at the time. 

What this brings to mind is how in many situations, each of these ways of being in our will is active.  The bottom line is which of these directs our action.  In this situation, I wanted to keep my commitment to write daily so I would look good to others and not let Circle of Self Muse readers down, or let myself down, yet one more time (an example of alignment with other’s will and my will, mostly my will).  Thoughts rushed in: of self-criticism about the irrelevance of my blogging and to just quit because I am wasting my time with all this commitment crap, and how I’m a terrible writer and can’t even remember clearly the roles of the will, blah, blah, blah (a great example of negative self will). 

Just then my husband came into my office and asked when I was coming up to bed, “sigh”, a perfect example of the pull of ‘other’s will’.  I felt my upper back and jaw stiffen. ”I’m finishing my blog”, I hissed through gritted teeth.  To top this off, I was attempting to tap into the God’s will part of my posting, and now I’m just feeling imposed upon and pressured.  All the leftover conflicts and unfinished conversations with my husband of the past week came to the forefront of my mind, including our intention to have the night be a date night.  My heart shrunk into itself, and my shoulders became as a cocoon surrounding it in protection.  At that point, I remembered to take a very deep and slow breath.  I said, ‘God, I want to finish this post in a good enough way and go to bed with my husband.’  I sat at the keyboard for a few minutes, quiet, waiting for inspiration.  Then I wrote what I wrote and pushed the publish tab, a humble example of an intention to align with God’s will.  If no words had come, I would have shut down my computer and gone to bed, that would also have been a humble intention to align with God’ will, letting go of my own need for keeping an arbitrary, though commendable, commitment. 

I went to bed with a more open-heart, feeling both loved and loving, and with an unclenched jaw (preventing an otherwise guaranteed morning headache).  Blessings all around…

 

 

Divine Will: the Ultimate 'We'

My connection with the Divine Creator is the WE I was referring to at the end of my blog yesterday.  The difference between the little 'we's of my life experience influencing my decisions and the WE of when I am able to align with God's 'Will'  is pretty amazing.  I wrote about use of will in a couple of posts at the beginning of this month

This question came from a Cirle of Self reader: "How do I know if my behavior is influenced by other people's will, my own will, or God/Divine will?"  Here is a very short and simplistic description just for a start:

We are responding to other peoples will when we act because of the influence or pressure from outside ourselves.  Often times we will have a gut feeling that what we are choosing is not what we would choose on our own. Often we experience a feeling of being pushed or cajoled into a choice.  Blame and guilt may be part of decideing from this decision. When I feel under the influence of pressure of another I tend to feel a tightness in my upper back and shoulders.  I find I am more hunched over and my shoulders rolling forward, as if I am energetically trying to protect my heart area.  My stomach will often be upset or sour.  I may also feel angry or blameful. I am usually aware of compromising.

Acting according to our own will often has a feeling of acting 'inspite of what other's want'.  We act from our will because we either want get something, or want to avoid something.  When we try to extert our will we can be rigid in our responses or controlling of others.  When I am the place of acting from my own will, I might feel rightous, entitled, superior.  Physically, I will have a rigid /tight back, an energy of 'me against the world'.  Of course, these are extremes of physiological response.  Most self-will decisons in our daily life are so routine we aren't aware we are acting from a place of our own willfulness.

Acting in alignment with Divine/God's Will requires a degree of spiritual awareness and a start at the practice of being humble.  Spiritual awareness begins when we pray, enter a state of mindfulness or even a time of quiet and ask for direction and guidance. If we can listen, we will hear Divine direction (even when we don't like the answer).  I have found when I move in my life by asking to align with Divine will, I experience a sense of ease and peace, no matter how difficult a choice I might be asked to make.  I also always feel God's support and a sense of protection when I make a choice or decision from this place.  I usually know what the right thing to do is, and I don't want to do it...that is when I know I am struggling to move my own will in alignment with God's.  It is a daily practice, sometimes easy and sometimes not. 

More later.

When 'I' is Really "We"

I worked with a client who always talked of herself as 'we'  rather than 'I'.  In my training as a young counselor I was taught that when a client uses 'we' when referring to themselves it meant they had difficulty owning their own behavior or identifying with themselves, really pretty simplistic, but that was the message in the dark ages of graduate school. I was taught to encourage my clients to use 'I'  instead.   Being a rebel in my counseling work from the start, I decided instead to explore who the 'we' was. This turned out to be a very productive process.  Who would she invite as her 'we' if she could choose?  Did she feel younger than her current age?  If  so, how young was her child 'we'?  Which 'we' got her in trouble? Which 'we' would it be helpful to take to work?  Which 'we' must never come to work?  Who is the 'we' shows up on dates?  Which 'we' made the decision to get married? Divorced?  Over the course of a number of sessions this client developed increasing compassion and love for herself, gradually replacing the destructive self-criticism. And she also was more and more willing and able to truly feel herself as an 'I'.

As I focus on my Creative Aspect this month, I have become quite aware of how my life history and experiences continue to support or sabotage of my efforts.  When I was six, I was humiliated by my second grade teacher for my poor spelling skills.  That six year old me still effects my writing, and I recognize that when I'm feeling tentative about my writing abilities, she is one of my 'we's.  For these times I created this visualization: while I am writingat my computer, I sit her on my lap.  I visualize sending love to that six year old Carolyn, unkempt braids, bad spelling and all.  And I continue typing, and as my readers may have notice, spelling poorly!

Tomorrow, I want to write about another 'we', the essential 'WE'.

The "I's" Have It: Growing is all About the Personal Self

My blogging over the past  week  has focused on the Personal Aspect of Self.  I need to remind myself,no matter what Aspect I am working with during any given moon cycle, all my Personal Elements are intermingled with my work.

This month, my 'work' is really focused on my Creative Aspect.  All my thoughts, beliefs and hopes about myself are up for review as I explore how I engage each of the Creative Elements to make my desired changes. I take myself into what ever plan of action I am engaging.  My thought processes, feelings about self and others, attitudes, willingness to acknowledge intuition and reaction patterns. These are a necessary part of my Creative Movement.  Acknowledging what I know and don't know.  Stopping myself from short-cutting personal care. Stopping sabotage. The good part is I am more present this time around, which insures at the very least good progress if not full success in my venture. For example:I did not say 'no' when my gut told me 'NO!!!', I immediately recognized my sabotage, and was also immediately aware of what this cost me in terms of emotional well being and physical time.  I am getting quicker at recognizing my old friend, the Saboteur archetype, as well as her counterpart-the Prostitute.  So I can stop myself before I do something self-harming. I MUST be as fully present to all the parts of me as I can be at this time.  Perfection is DEFINITELY not required, but awareness is.  "I", as much as I know who that "I" is at this time, must be willing to align with my calling and purpose (which is the same as Divine Will). 

To make choices and change in our life, we need to make the process all about ourselves first-and look closely at all elements of our self. The exercises in the Personal Aspect of Circle of Self are a great place to start focusing on you 'I'!  The first step is self awareness, then self understanding then self acceptance followed by positive growth and change. Check it out: Personal Aspect

More "I-isms" and the challenge of change

We are halfway through the waxing moon of this wonderful harvest moon cycle.  I do love this month. October brings with it so many memories of harvest time on the farm where I grew up.  I know for many the approaching longer and colder nights, lack of sun and isolation that often comes with the approaching winter harbors depression. But, I'm  invigorated by this season of year, and year seems especially invigorating-and intense. My Circle of Self process for this month is focused on the Creative Aspect, with pieces of my intention in each of the four elements: work/career, philanthropy, leisure and financial.  There is an intensity to my process this month because I am challenging myself to step considerably out of my comfort zone in a number of ways in this Aspect. If this sounds mysterious, I'll fill you in at the dark of the moon!

It's not surprising then, stepping out of my comfort zone, I should be made aware of all the 'I' words.I am noticing my thoughts and reactions.  My psychological, physical and emotional senses are very keen right now, and I find my self jarred by the intensity of both the world around me (mostly the people) and my responses.  If I am challenging myself to be more of who I am, it makes sense that I would be particularly aware of insecurity, integrity, intuition, intention, imperfections, etc., etc., as well as their opposites.  I feel knocked back and forth between feeling secure in a decision and commitment and an hour later, tripped up and betraying my commitment to myself.   The image I get is of being thrown from one side of a box (keeping in mind that my work for this moon cycle takes me out of my comfort zone, my safe box) to the other and then into another corner, unrelentingly.  Maybe that is one way to break out of the box!  This leaves me feeling a little bruised, and I fear I may be a little bruising toward those around me who are on this journey with me.  I'm a great example of Jung's individuation versus the divided self I referred to in yesterday's blog.

So, as I focus on my Creative Aspect, my Personal Aspect is also quite active, as is my Relationship Aspect.  And although it's a challenge to stay present and intentional, I do feel the support of the moon energy for this month.  I am in the middle of a harvest of myself. 

I Am and I Am Not

Im, I'm, I am, words:

Imperfect
Immediate
Impartial
Impatient
Impractical

Jung's observations on the word individuation and individual explains a lot about human behavior-well, I should speak for myself: MY behavior.  I am so often not an individual.  Not only do I go along with whatever to 'get along', not draw attention to myself or not 'make waves'.  I also, as Jung reflected, am divided in myself.  I go against myself, sabotage my efforts.  The I-M words are great descriptors of this exact concept: Imperfect versus I'm perfect, Impartial versus I'm partial etc.

I realize part of my personal growth work in this Circle of Self year, has been learning to live with the divisions in myself (the divisiveness, the divides).  This kind of practice is an intentional practice.  I make a commitment to look at myself honestly (integrity) in my daily review practice.   I have impatience and patience. I know the downside of being impractical and the ho-hum-ness of being practical.  I am both partial and impartial.  There are times when I want it my way NOW (immediate) and times when I am willing to mediate.  I recognize the times I have been quite imperfect, and I also can acknowledge moments of grace filled perfection.  Perfectionism is an issue in my life, primarily from so many years of feeling so terribly imperfect and trying to be perfect hoping others would not see how imperfect I knew I was

The IM words invite us to be gentler with ourselves, that we have the capacity, ability and traits and ARE both aspects of the word.  If I can hold my imperfections  and my perfections, I AM on the path to individuation.  By accepting the dividedness within myself I become less divided as a whole, my parts can become part of the whole of me and I become more of myself and of who I have the potential to be. HMMMM the whole IS bigger than the parts. 

I find myself infatuated with 'I' words

Last night I went to bed intending to dream about the triangle I had seen in my mind's eye at lasts nights lecture.  And I did dream about the triangle. I just didn't expect the awareness with which I woke. I woke with the image of a chalk board with a column of 'I' words and at the bottom of the list was the phrase:  It is all about 'I'.
Intuition
Inspiration
Integrity
Intentional
Intelligence
I added this one: Infatuated, because I could not stop thinking about how these words all began with the prefix 'in' and how this prefix could mean the actual word 'in'  as in inside me, within me.  I was thinking 'what is the meaning of "It's all about 'I'".  I could only think 'It's all about me'.  All of these words are about what goes on inside of 'me'. and also very much reflect the 'I' that I am. 

Over that past few weeks, I have been blogging about the importance of integrity and being intentional.  I continually work with my intuition, sometimes more consciously than at other times.  And certainly, I hope my words and actions inspire others in a good way.  Bottom line:  It is all about 'I'--about Me.  I must connect with myself and be inside myself before I can connect with others and be healthfully outside of myself, or I am likely to make a big mess of things in my life. 

As a confirmation of this line of thinking I came across this quote on a website where I was signing up for a seminar:

"Individuation:  Jung said that we are not really 'individuals'but 'dividuals', persons divided within ourselves. We say one thing and do another; we set goals and we sabotage our own success; we desire happiness and experience frustration. All of these situations are indications of our inner division.",  Dr.Kenneth James at The Soulwork Center, Chicago  the soulwork center.

Another 'I' word for my list!

Tomorrow I am going to tackle the I am words:
Imperfect
Immediate
Impartial
Impatient
Impractical

Intuition and Transparency

I feel as though I am playing a game of connect the dots!  Tonight I went to a cocktail hour business lecture in Chicago.  The speaker was Therese Rowley, the author of a new book "Mapping a New Reality: Discovering Intuitive Intelligence".  The forward is written by Caroline Myss, a mentor and one of the chairs on my dissertation committee.  Therese   spoke on Intuitive Intelligence in the business world. Therese is an intuitive reader and psychic medium with a MBA from Northwestern (a pretty well respected business school).  The evening started out with the sponsors introducing their businesses: insurance and financial planning.  Both are well known in the northern suburbs and the insurance company is an internationally known company.  Both men talked briefly about having value-based businesses and about the need for transparency in the work place for clients as well as employees.  Then Therese stepped in and spoke about the same themes introducing the need for intuitive skills as a vital support for developing a value based business and for creating true transparency in your work. 

I'm summarizing her lecture in a few sentences:  Intuition is a type of intelligence.  It develops by practice and use, same as any skill.  The way your intuition will manifest depends on your life purpose (IE-some might communicate with dead people, some might see past lives, some will know how to find lost things and people, some will see illnesses, some will get information on the future etc.).  A person can not have intuition if under the influence of fear or if they have an agenda or ulterior motive. Developing and honoring your intuition is necessary if we want to have transparency in our lives.  I thought it was serendipitous to have transparency come up tonight and used in connection with business, and I saw an image of a triangle appear in my minds eye during her lecture (the presidential debate, last nights round table and tonight's lecture).   I am the common denominator in bringing these three experiences together-there is some information or awareness for me, but I don't know what I don't know about that, yet.

So, I will invite intuition to help me know.  I'm going to use a few intuitive supports Therese suggested and I'm sharing them with you,as they are simple and VERY effective.
1. Be still.  Stay still.  Stop what you are doing and listen whenever you have a strange feeling, a hit, goose bumps, or get a thought such as 'I wonder...'.  We have to pay attentention and listen to hear our intuition.
2. Focus on your third eye area, which is in the middle of your head, not your forehead.  Straightdown from the top and middle of your head and behind the eyes.  Focus from that space.  Breathe from that space.  This has an immediate calming effect and you can, with even a small amount of practice you will notice more clarity.

Off to bed with an intention to know how all this fits together for me. 

Transparency and Imperfection

What a difference my experience tonight was from last night!
Last night watching the accusatory, aggressive, look-good-at-all-costs, shade the truth debate between two men and tonight sitting in a circle of 20 women sharing parenting imperfections, talking about the importance of transparency with one another and our children, and honoring the differences between us.  Okay-the future of the country is not on the line during our meeting, as it seemed to be last night. Although... maybe one of us at this gathering has birthed a future president-and that would mean good things for our country, given the transparency and forthrightness of the group.

Last night I came home from watching the presidential debate exhausted and discouraged.  Tonight I came home from hearing Jennifer Grant lead a discussion on imperfect parenting, inspired and hopeful. Jennifer is an author, speaker and a member of our Episcopal Community.  Check out her new book: Momumental

Daily Reviews - The Public and Private versions

Today seemed to be a day of some form of daily review everywhere I turned.  My early morning meeting invited all present to consider our willingness to allow others to know, by our willingness to share with them, our difficulties, and egregious behaviors from our past, as well as our current life struggles.  A friend had to face an employer about and acknowledge her part in as unfortunate incident that could threaten her job.  Two clients shared litanies of self-judgment.  Another had a litany of  grievances about others. I bared my own soul with a person I love, and ended up feeling misunderstood and my feelings rejected. 

Then there was the presidential debate tonight-a really public review; not a daily review but a value review, a success review, an attitude review etc., etc.  What a contrast from the personal sharing and struggles, from the rest of the sharing I experienced today.  I recognize I might be stretching the comparison.  But, while I was listening to spin after spin and accusation followed by blown up grandiose iteration, I began to feel exhausted by the whole distorted process, like a house of mirrors in a fun house-only this is our country and it's not very funny.  So when I went into my study to reflect on my day, I started with the awareness of how many times today, in meetings, with friends, clients, my own counseling session, sharing with a loved one-there was an invitation to see ourselves and others more clearly and honestly, and to allow ourselves to be seen more clearly and honestly, regardless of the outcome.

We must start from the state of being we are in, whether that is a place of self-blame and self-judgment, of pointing the finger at the other guy, or sharing from a humility and regret.  That is a beginning, and from there we take small steps toward more honestly, less blame, more acceptance, less condemnation, more possibility, more hope, more balance in our life and more change.

As my daughter said when she was in second grade and our family was going through divorce shortly after 9-11:  "Mom, how can we have peace on earth if we can't even stop the fighting in our own family.  She is right of course-out of the mouths of babes...I do hope I have made some progress!  I do hope I am able to support others in their progress.  I'm glad I'm not Candy Crowley, the moderator of the debate.

Vision + Divine Will + Discipline=Creativity

Ahhh the new moon! My colleague and astrologer friend, Patti Podgornik took up her blogging skills again and posted some enlightening information about this new cycle. Here is a link to her informative blog from an astrologer's point of view:  thecelestialgarden  There are some similarities in our thoughts about the coming month-human relationships and creativity and clear vision and intention.  Check it out.

I'm working with a deadline due at the end of October, so I'm continuing my focus on my Creative Aspect for this new moon cycle, refining how I am working with all the creative elements in a more balanced way.  I mentioned a few blogs back about my struggle with keeping discipline at a good enough level my life. With a deadline looming in two weeks, I really need this quality as a force in my life.  I am reminded that discipline means either punishment, or a practice supporting learning and gaining  knowledge.  If I practice staying in alignment with Divine Will and keeping my Vision in focus, my discipline is a joyful rather than dreadful practice.  It hasn't always been that way. 

In the past I have procrastinated until the very last minute when I have had a deadline or commitment.  Then my discipline was to avoid self-inflicted punishment or external negative consequences.  I feel so blessed.  Every day as I take a few moments of prayer and meditation (mindfulness)  in the early morning darkness, I use the morning star as a reminder God's will is with me even when not visible.  Just so is God's love.  I embody as much  of both as I can muster before I start my day.  I also am feeling the strong support of community connected with my own creative work.  Several Circle members have big creative projects and commitments as do some colleagues.  Add to these more local connections all of the members who have gone through the Agents of Conscious Change training (which I became a part of a year ago last summer) and I am filled with support. Not only do I feel blessed--I am blessed!

October Moon Cycle is a Harbinger of Vision

Jamie Sams writing about the October Clan Mother is one of my favorites.  I am drawn to this story because it relates to how the strength of our vision and dreams can manifest when we are in alignment with Divine Will and when we hold fast to hope and faith. 

There is currently a lot of focus on the coming of December 2012 and the changes that will happen with the ending of the Mayan calendar.  The changes that will happen are not so much because of the calendar, but because there are many many people who are beginning to focus their energy on making things better for this planet and for all of her inhabitants. 

The links below are a sampling of some of the people and groups are leading the way for this Vision:

Barbara Marx Hubbard and Agents of Conscious Evolution 
Marriane WIlliamson
The Shift Network and Conscious Evolution

And one Circle of Self member offers her own profound awareness
Zen Cowgirl

Stand Down: A short reflection on "thank you for your service"

Today more than 40 men and a few women came by our presentation room at the stand down.  It will take a while to integrate everything I learned today.  But one thing is very clear:

When we say "thank you for your service." to someone in uniform, or whom we know is a veteran, it is almost certain we have no clue what is is we are thanking them for.  And if we did, we would recognize 'thank you' doesn't come close to being the right words, or a deep enough expression of gratitude, or a true understanding of what they have endured and sacrificed of themselves and of the burdens they carry. 

Speaking on Depression

Tomorrow I will speak at a Stand Down for Homeless Veterans in Peoria.  My topic is dealing with depression in difficult times.  I recognize I have not ever been homeless, or a veteran.  I have however, struggled with the pain of losing a home or two that have been dear to me, and I know what it is like to have been married to a veteran and live in a military community. So I have a narrow line of connection.  I hope I am able to meet those who come to hear me in a present and humble way.  I am not even sure any will come.  But I have prepared a few thoughts on depression anyway. 

Depression:
Initially it can be a coping mechanism, a normal response to an untenable situation.  It can be a way to reset our system, insist on rest and restore balance.

Or, it can become a habituated response to stress.

Or, it can get tangled up in chemical imbalance-neurological misfiring-alcohol or drug abuse-cyclical hypo- or hyperglycemia-allergies.

Or chronic fatigue-isolation-loneliness-hunger-trauma that never gets resolved-repetitive exposure and remembering...all leading to a loss of sense of self.

Depression is pressing down 'something' in our lives.  It takes energy to press down that which we can not or will not face or resolve.  It takes energy to live our lives fully.  The more we use our energy to keep things 'depressed'.  The less we have to live our lives.  It is a vicious spiralling downward cycle.

Coming out of depression successfully can require very small steps to gently and carefully let up that which we have depressed, so we are not overwhelmed.  Or it can resolve after a night of soulful, deep and gut wrenching wailing-followed by  heart-y, belly-full laughing followed by deep sleep.  I have had both depression leave both of these ways and supported others in having their depression release in both these ways, as well. 

I have also witnessed those who could not believe what Joseph Marshall III writes about in Keep Going: that the weakest step is stronger than the fiercest storm.  These dear ones cling to depression like a life line. And perhaps it is.

I am prepared to talk about these ideas. But I truly do not know what to expect, and mostly I want to listen, and be present and humble.

History, Vision and Commitment

With all the traveling I have been doing over the past few weeks, I am happily surprised to have held my vision in focus despite changes in scenery and tugs from all directions for my attention.  My focus hasn't been perfect, just good enough to continue to have forward movement and steadiness in my commitments-to my circle of self monthly goals and my long term health goals.  It seems commitments (in this case to daily blogging as a writing commitment) and having blogging connected to my vision and understanding of living more fully my life purpose. 

I am working broadly with my Creative Self this month.  Everyone of my Elements in this aspect is tied to my vision both for my life purpose, as well as for the development of my creative self. My commitment to blogging daily reflects my commitment to developing my writer archetype.  It has been an amazing journey.  The more I write the more my writing seems to flow. As I write, blog and journal, I also have been surprised at how I am understanding my personal history from a clearer perspective.  Unfinished business is coming up to be resolved. My Vision Calling and Purpose statements  from my Circle of Self worksheet Circle of Self Forms Page  help me find the willingness needed to work through some old issues that are cropping up.  Integrity in work clothes (discipline) is becoming more second nature.  Of course, I expect there will be a test soon to see if I am serious!  Life seems to be that way.  The serenity prayer helps: Divine Will in action.

Circling Back to Choose a New Way

Every once in a while I get a chance to do some supportive work with someone who reminds me of my own life experiences.  This seems to be a theme this week-revisiting memories and history. This dear person's current experience is serving as a mirror for some events in my life, just like the mirror in the Circle of Self logo.  We may not be able to alter the reflection, but we can alter how we interpret it and judge it.
Today, I choose to look at my habit for running myself into the ground in an effort to avoid changing what needs to be changed in my life.  A poignant message as it comes on the heals of my revisiting history yesterday!  How often I have put off and/or tried to negotiate with myself to not make a necessary change in my life.  What usually happens is the consequences of NOT making the change-get bigger, more damaging, more painful, more destructive and more costly. Everything suffers.  Physical health, ability to do my work, emotions, relationships. I don't like admitting I am in over my head, or wrong, or that I need or want something that is at odds with others wishes. 
I will try everything to keep status duo.  I'm getting better and sometimes I can avoid the saboteur and sometimes I don't.  The blessing in all of this is that once 'the bad thing happens'  the energy starts flowing and I am moving again.  Moving which can still be terrifying, painful, grieful, agonizing.  Moving which brings growth and new ideas and new opportunities. 

Circling Round Our History

The opportunities we have to revisit our lives come along in unexpected ways.  Visiting old friends in places we used to live is a bit like finding one's old journals in a long lost trunk-only four dimensional and more animated.  I'm visiting a place from my past.  I sit with my friend in her daughter's home.  She is visiting here, too.  Visiting her past, and her present and her future (a new great grandson just arrived).  I am struck by what I have forgotten and what I remember.  It seems I can give names to people I haven't thought about for thirty years, but can't remember appearances of buildings and places (unless it's food related).

We pick up where we left off from our last connection and circle round catching up on adult children, husbands and grand kids, then our conversation skirts around the edges of stories from the past.  They come into focus, my friend helping me remember who and what and where about a few particular years in my life.  All these whos, whats and wheres that led to a major change in my geography, my partner and my work.  Now I have a chance to circle round and let hindsight have her say. 

Living With VIsion

This is a short post-I wanted to share the awareness I have had about the importance of holding fast to a vision.  In the mid 90's I took a training with Caroline Myss and Norm Shealy entitled Vision Creativity and Intuition.  I always thought it odd that 'vision' had the lead in the seminar, and until recently did not understand how important a role 'vision' has in both the development of creativity and of intuition. 
To hold fast to your vision of what you think, hope and desire as possible in your life makes all the difference in the world.  Today, I came to realize that perhaps that is what is between the lines-my vision of what is possible when committing to live on purpose and with purpose.  That's all folks!

Living in the Circle of Self

The thing about working with the image of Circle of Self is how all-encompassing the process is.  Tonight, I reflect on my day from the Circle of Self perspective.  I started out this morning feeling a bit of struggle in balancing my goals for my Personal Self (all elements are in flux at the moment), the family element of my Relationship Self, and the work element of my Creative Self.  This month my major focus is in my work element and my Creative Self.  As the waning moon continues for this first month of Autumn, I am feeling the creative flow out into the world.  There are complications, though, which vie for attention and time! Balance, balance, balance! And a sinus infection and sore back call for slower moving and more sleep.  Family needs, family conflicts (and family fun as well) also require attention. 
They are all in the circle of my life, of my being, of my Self. How I respond to each commitment, to each demand and to each piece of drama or experience keep my circle moving.  It is a living process.  A process of living.  It's a circle, a spiral.  It takes effort to keep centered, which is necessary to keep from getting off kilter and spiralling out of control. 

A day for gratitude times three

Three things were really special about today.

Today I spent the entire day painting for people I love-just because I love them.  Do you know how good it feels to do something totally out of love-regardless that the work was hard, the day long, and my neck and shoulder muscles ache.  I am happy, happy , happy.

Today I learned an important thing about the use of breath:  How to use breath to focus and refine movement.  I was given the job of edging up against the baseboards and the ceilings.  I found if I used my out-breath with the movement of the brush, my paint lines were smooth and even.  Nice to be able to do a good job painting. Even better to have new knowledge for working with the breath. 

AND today I can hold the paintbrush with a steady hand.  The joy of having steady hands again is nearly overwhelming.  Perhaps I’m a little melodramatic, but I have so much gratitude for this gift.  Steady hands, steady life.  This, the result of integrity, commitment, discipline and God.

Truly a day for gratitude.

Serendipity

My experience with myself and with many people I have worked with over the years is we all stop doing what supports us and would take us in the direction our spirit and soul calls us to go.  The visual is that of a trapeze artist who at some point has to let go of one rope in order to take hold of the next one.  As I observe my own work, I see myself stop coaching sessions, skip my daily practices, and commit other forms of self-sabotage, just when I am ready to reach a goal or take an idea from decision to creation. I’ve seen the same behavior in clients as well, taking a break from counseling just as they are about to round the bend on some difficult issue. I’ve seen it in my students working on their dissertation-giving up when in the final chapter, or not completing  a required re-write after their defense. Clients will say something like-oh, I'm going to take a few weeks off, I'm so busy (or whatever reason they have).  Unfortunately, just like the trapeze artist who fails to take the bar, the ricochet effect of not going forward causes an even bigger set back and requires more hard work, time and energy, than before.

The day I forgot to publish my blog I happened to be writing a new segment on discipline and commitment for the Circle of Self ^® website. When I went back and read the above paragraph, I really did have to laugh at myself!  I was writing about what I was about to do again-derail myself.  Only this time I haven’t.  And I pray daily for divine intervention around my attempts to self-sabotage.  This is one difference.  There is another difference as well.  My thirty day blog commitment is not so much a goal in itself.  Rather, it represents a very deep personal decision, and a profound knowing and commitment about the absolute necessity to make a permanent change in my life.  I believe that every one of us experiences a couple of times in our lives when we know for certain we are at a crossroads.  This is one of those times.

Distraction, Disappointment, Discipline,

This morning I realized I had not published my blog post from yesterday.  It was written, just not published.  Does that count in my commitment to blog every day fro the month of October?  I am disappointed in myself. I find myself resenting the ease with which I get distracted, even when I am behaving in a way that feels like I am disciplined.

I chide myself about not being able to keep a thirty day commitment-just one day of getting slightly off track ruined it.  A few distractions was all it took.  I am so disappointed in myself, for being just enough out of alignment with my intention on my quest for discipline. 
I tell myself I can't help my disappointment and judgment and self-flagellating.  Part of this in NOT true-the last two I can help and I can stop. I can acknowledge my disappointment (that is a feeling that came as a reaction). I can choose to have disappointment without the negative judgment and without beating myself up. 

What is it about ME that I can't make even a week of a thirty day commitment (requiring less than a half an hour a day!).  This morning I heard on NPR th estory of a woman marine lieutenant who has committed to make it through 86 sixteen-hour days to prove herself.  When the story aired she's on day one.  She is committed to 85 more so she can set a path for other women.  The only other woman marine in the class did not make it through day one. Neither did 30% of the male marines.  Then I heardthe story about the butterfly professor who committed to 40 years of study to create the I-max film on butterfly migration.  40 years-I couldn't even make four days before being tripped-up! Wow!  I was realy getting down on myself!

If I look from a higher perspective is see these all are cycles-16 hours, 24 hours, 4 days, 30 days, 85 days, 40 years...all cycles and cycles within cycles. Cycles:  beginning-ending, receiving-giving, creating-disassembling, holding on-letting go, resting-moving, allowing-stopping.  Cycles are both spiral and at the same time have starting and stopping points, both/and not either/or. There is a connection between cycles and reading between the lines. Maybe the lines are the space within which our cycles occur? Is it more important to know the lines or to know what is between them?

Learning to Read Between the LInes of Life

Right now I'm wearing glasses which invite me to 'read between the lines' at the same time I am aware of integrity and discipline and how I am doing with my WILL.
I recognize it is the little things that keep us from sabotaging our self.  I think of what one of the circle members shared about discipline being 'intergity in work clothes'.  Getting out of bed when it was dark and rainy and foggy and the night before it had been a very late night before getting to bed.  It took some time to get to sleep, trying to get the movie we had watched cleared from my mind. All this made the desire to hunker down under the covers even more seductive.  I got up anyway, an outer expression of my commitment to pray and write every morning.  This commitment will lead to discipline.  This praying and writing helps me more and more with clarity about where I am on my integrity meter. A bit like having my own 'fact chcker'!

Why do I do this; commit to a practice of getting up in the dark? Why is it different this time from the times I've committed before? Can I keep it going this time? Will this become a discipline? Will I continue to be 'teachable' as is the meaning of the root of the word?

These are the thoughts that come out of reading between the lines.  I am not alone, I have God's Will to hold my hand along the way if I choose to take it.

This morning’s word is ‘faithful’

The morning star greets me as I open the back door to let Molly the dog out at 5:30 before I sit to pray and write. I hear the word ‘faithful’ in my head. The morning star is faithful: constant, true andsteadfast. She is there in the eastern sky every morning. She was there last month in New Mexico, and last week in Phoenix. Regardless of cloud cover, fog and rain, every morning for the past month, wherever I have been, she found a way to make herself known to me, inspire me.

Faithful is also the word used to describe a community of believers, a person who chooses not to cheat on their lover, partner or spouse. I ask myself, "How shall I be faithful and to whom?"  ‘To thine own self be true.’ I am reminded of my writing on the use of will and about the will centers.  As I sit and write in the early morning light I ponder the need to be faithful to myself, first and from that place ofintegrity I am more able to be faithful to the will of God/Great Spirit.  I am able to anchor myself in the midst of any amount of chaos and change, to God/Great Spirit to the purpose of my being.  Like the faithful morning star, my faithful morning practice helps orient my life so I more easily be in the ebb and flow of life, as also shown me-faithfully-by the moon’s cycles and rhythms. 

The full moon speaks her piece!

My alarm went off this morning to the misty grayness of early October fog.  I was tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, but notice the glow seeping under the door to my bedroom.  I rolled out of bed thinking someone had left the hall light on overnight. It was the moon, bright and intense.  In contrast to the eastern sky and its’ dark foggy clouds, the moon was hanging out in the western sky, appearing very much like a whole note suspended between thin, cloud-lines forming a stanza. But, I didn’t hear music; I heard “read between the lines”. 

Hmmm. Advice to begin the work of the waning moon.  What does that mean? Was the message just for me? For my clients? For Circle of Self® members?  What does that really mean “read between the lines”?  My experience of that phrase when someone uses it on me is that what I am hearing or reading is not a truth, not real? But I was hearing these words in my moon-mediation.   I focused on the space between lines, where the moon floated.  I felt like I’d put blinders on and was trying to see what is in the ‘emptiness’ of the space.  Key in on the details, look at all the inferences, what seems out of place.

I took a long view, seeing the wholeness of the stanza and how small the moon looked relative to the odd, cloud-lines.  She didn’t say ‘get the big picture’.  But I thought this larger view might help me see what actually was between the lines.  I saw wholeness and detail.  The metaphor and lesson existed in the detail as well as in the whole of the stanza painted sky.  As I watched and pondered, the cloud-lines grew fuzzy, eventually fading into one another.  Eventually picking up some pink from the dawn sky, and the moon drifted down below them and into the trees.  For now, I’ve decided to remind myself to “read between the lines” several times a day until the moon finishes her waning phase and see what comes.