I have a confession:
Last night as I was writing my blog posting on the big ‘We’ of living in
alignment with Divine/God’s Will, I had a difficult time putting into useful
and truthful words the different ways the three ways of being with ‘will’
express themselves in life. What I most wanted
to do was say my favorite swear phrase, shut the computer off and over-ride my
daily blogging commitment. I persevered,
asking myself which position of my will was active: self will, other’s will or
God’s will? After all, this was a
perfect example for exploring the use of will, but being in the throes of my
inner conflict, I couldn’t see this clearly at the time.
What this brings to mind is how in many situations, each of
these ways of being in our will is active. The bottom line is which of these directs our
action. In this situation, I wanted to
keep my commitment to write daily so I would look good to others and not let
Circle of Self Muse readers down, or let myself down, yet one more time (an
example of alignment with other’s will and my will, mostly my will). Thoughts rushed in: of self-criticism about
the irrelevance of my blogging and to just quit because I am wasting my time
with all this commitment crap, and how I’m a terrible writer and can’t even remember
clearly the roles of the will, blah, blah, blah (a great example of negative
self will).
Just then my husband came into my office and asked when I
was coming up to bed, “sigh”, a perfect example of the pull of ‘other’s will’. I felt my upper back and jaw stiffen. ”I’m
finishing my blog”, I hissed through gritted teeth. To top this off, I was attempting to tap into
the God’s will part of my posting, and now I’m just feeling imposed upon and
pressured. All the leftover conflicts
and unfinished conversations with my husband of the past week came to the forefront
of my mind, including our intention to have the night be a date night. My heart shrunk into itself, and my shoulders
became as a cocoon surrounding it in protection. At that point, I remembered to take a very
deep and slow breath. I said, ‘God, I
want to finish this post in a good enough way and go to bed with my husband.’ I sat at the keyboard for a few minutes,
quiet, waiting for inspiration. Then I
wrote what I wrote and pushed the publish tab, a humble example of an intention
to align with God’s will. If no words
had come, I would have shut down my computer and gone to bed, that would also
have been a humble intention to align with God’ will, letting go of my own need
for keeping an arbitrary, though commendable, commitment.
I went to bed with a more open-heart, feeling both loved and
loving, and with an unclenched jaw (preventing an otherwise guaranteed morning
headache). Blessings all around…
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