Distraction, Disappointment, Discipline,

This morning I realized I had not published my blog post from yesterday.  It was written, just not published.  Does that count in my commitment to blog every day fro the month of October?  I am disappointed in myself. I find myself resenting the ease with which I get distracted, even when I am behaving in a way that feels like I am disciplined.

I chide myself about not being able to keep a thirty day commitment-just one day of getting slightly off track ruined it.  A few distractions was all it took.  I am so disappointed in myself, for being just enough out of alignment with my intention on my quest for discipline. 
I tell myself I can't help my disappointment and judgment and self-flagellating.  Part of this in NOT true-the last two I can help and I can stop. I can acknowledge my disappointment (that is a feeling that came as a reaction). I can choose to have disappointment without the negative judgment and without beating myself up. 

What is it about ME that I can't make even a week of a thirty day commitment (requiring less than a half an hour a day!).  This morning I heard on NPR th estory of a woman marine lieutenant who has committed to make it through 86 sixteen-hour days to prove herself.  When the story aired she's on day one.  She is committed to 85 more so she can set a path for other women.  The only other woman marine in the class did not make it through day one. Neither did 30% of the male marines.  Then I heardthe story about the butterfly professor who committed to 40 years of study to create the I-max film on butterfly migration.  40 years-I couldn't even make four days before being tripped-up! Wow!  I was realy getting down on myself!

If I look from a higher perspective is see these all are cycles-16 hours, 24 hours, 4 days, 30 days, 85 days, 40 years...all cycles and cycles within cycles. Cycles:  beginning-ending, receiving-giving, creating-disassembling, holding on-letting go, resting-moving, allowing-stopping.  Cycles are both spiral and at the same time have starting and stopping points, both/and not either/or. There is a connection between cycles and reading between the lines. Maybe the lines are the space within which our cycles occur? Is it more important to know the lines or to know what is between them?