More on Darkness: What does it means to 'not be able to see'?

I get a daily meditation in my email every morning from Richard Rohr's Center for Action and Contemplation. Today's meditation was about seeing the way mystics see.  No pun intended, but it was an eye-opener for me!  Third-eye seeing is how mystics view the world. 

Rohr explains the three eyes through which a person might 'see'. I paraphrase here and encourage the reader to go to the source  The first eye seeing with our senses-sight and the awareness we have -the thought- as it is related to what we see through our actual sight.  The second eye Rohr says is the seeing through our reason, reflection and meditation. This takes what we see with our eyes to a 'deeper' level.  In my understanding it is gives us more knowledge about what we are 'seeing'. It may or may not result in a correct interpretation of what we think we see.  And the third eye seeing that mystics have cultivated  happens when there is this wondrous seeing that happens when as Rohr says " our heart space, our mind space and our body awareness are all simultaneously open and non resistant...a moment of deep inner connection (in The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See p.28).

How might we, as persons who dread the darkness (because we can not see with our sight), see? Certainly when I am in the 'I can't see' mode, I easily go to panic and fear. What I see or can't see is at best a distortion or it is not seeable because it is in darkness.  My heart is not open, it is closed in protection and survival mode. My mind is flooded only the idea 'of worse case scenario' , and my body is frozen with anxiety, or readying for fight or flight.  (Mostly for those with panic issues, the primary panic reaction is to freeze-followed at times by either actual flight or flight through dissociation.)

Now that I know there are more ways of seeing I can experiment with my relationship with darkness.  Bigger, broader, more inclusive and expansive ways of seeing are available to me.  I'm at the beginning of this learning curve-so I start first with the acknowledgement that what I 'see' or don't 'see' when I am in darkness may not be accurately thought about (interpreted) in my mind.  Am I willing to allow that possibility (I am opening my mind-just a crack)?  I insert the word 'Love' in the crack in my mind, so it does not snap shut. I put my focus on my heart, which might be racing at the moment, reinforcing the panic response.  I will say a mantra to my heart: "love... love...love" with each breath, helping the heart 'remember' love comes through it. I give my body permission to be very still, to listen to my mantra and to be still, but not needing to be frozen.  I THINK this is the process of the second eye: reason, meditation and reflection. I will do this practice tonight as I am in the darkness and let you know how it goes...

Darkness Awakens Our Panic (overwhelming anxiety/terror)

This weekend brought a culmination of a lot of darkness:  the scariness of Halloween, All Souls Day, Day of the Dead, The timing of the dark and new moon, and the time change, which plunges our late afternoon into the darkness of night. All this at one time is a shock to our beings-body, mind and emotions.  Bad timing, to have all this converge at one time-stirs up fears, dread and panic.  Many people I know dread the coming months: the short days, the early darkness and lack of light, barren landscape, holiday stresses and pressures, and for those of us in the northlands-the cold. One shared about the panic that overwhelms her with this darkness.  In asking the Creator of All that Is to care for her, this letter, prayer came forth.  I share it, because I know I have this 'panicked one' in me, too. Maybe you do as well. If so, may you know this Truth:

 

Dearest ____________:  (Dearest –because this letter is written to that dear one who is on the receiving end of the experience of panic, not the one doing the panicking.)

Panic attacks are a symptom of the ego* realizing it has absolutely no impact or ability to control what is external/outside of itself.  Darkness is one thing it is not possible to have control over, short of getting a really big spot light.  Even that option has limits to how much darkness it dispels, and ultimately  it just draws attention to the one holding the spotlight (us). For most of us that is worse than being in the dark. It is worse because the light is then focused on the parts of ourselves we don't really want others to see, or to acknowledge ourselves!

*Ego is an acronym for ‘Eclipsing God’s Oversight’ or ‘Eclipsing God’s Other’. Ego is also known as: local self/surface self/false self/mask.

 

Darkness is an invitation to experience the cost of Ego being in charge.  Like a child’s fear of the dark.  Out of the darkness come noises from that which cannot be seen. The child fears the noise (or silence) and the imagined, terrible source of the noise. We, too, have fright coming from things that cannot be seen (known). We too are terrified by the things we hear in our heads that cannot be confirmed or de-confirmed, and we live in fear/terror that our imagined ‘stuff’ might be true.  I have met only one person in all my years of working with others whose ‘stuff’ was as bad as they feared it might be.  In fact for this woman, her ‘stuff’ (what she had hidden in her inner darkness) was even worse than she imagined it could be. And yet, when she allowed herself to see with the EYES OF HER HEART-which is where real vision resides, she saw all the different facets of her hidden ‘stuff’.  This willingness to see allowed a Healing beyond her imagination and hope: Compassion, forgiveness, insight, personal transformation, a new ability to experience love. All this…and more became known and real to her. It is for everyone. That is a promise if a person is willing and begins to act from a place of being willing.  

There is a solution for all panic attacks.  However, the solution requires someone else be in charge, rather than who is currently running the life of the person experiencing the panic (or intolerable level of anxiety/ fear). That someone is whom I call the Divine One, and others call God, Higher Power, Creator, Love. This is a problem for most people because it requires an act of Faith.  Faith is acting even if we don't believe.  This is where the phrase ‘faith without action is dead’ or ‘Faith without action is nothing’ comes from.  Belief is not a requirement for Faith, but action is required if Faith is to have any chance to do her work.  Action and a willingness to act on Faith is the only invitation needed for healing change to occur. 

Hopelessness, Surrender, Letting Go and Grace .

Likely hopelessness is the necessary step before real happiness can become a part of our life.  Hopelessness certainly occurs before any kind of decision to surrender.  And likely, the awareness of surrendering as the only possible option occurs before the actual act of letting go (of current ways of doing things, beliefs, struggles, point of view, addictions and habits). 

I have read and heard these words over and over again from every  wise teacher who has crossed my path: the source of pain* is not in the letting go, but in the holding on.  This teaching is very simple and also very complex. Simple; "just let go".  Complex, our very existence (who we believe, see, sense and feel ourselves to be-our identity) seems dependent on our not letting go.  In essence, there are times in our lives when our pain* is so great, the pain* becomes 'us'. We can no longer differentiate the source of pain* inside us from the source of pain* coming from outside of us, from who we are instead of the pain*. This creates an infinite feedback loop, which can only end up in hopelessness. 

We MUST find some way to step outside of the feedback loop of this hopeless self  and, at the very same time, stay connected to our actual self.  Addictive patterns (alcohol, anger, controlling, debt, dependency, drugs, exercise, gambling, food, internet, love, narcotics, OCB, perfection, religion, ruminating, sex, shopping, sleep, texting, TV, unresolved grief, voyeurism, work...there is an entire alphabet of addictions) initially take us outside/away from our pain*. These behaviors do seem to fulfill the first step: of getting outside of pain-filled self. They initially offer a very effective, though temporary, way of relieving the feeling and seemingly unbearable intensity of our pain*. However, they prevent the necessary second part: staying connected to our self. 

This is my simplistic way of understanding : relief responses become habitual responses, then compulsive, obsessive and addicted responses and we become fully identified with this terrible feedback loop and totally lost from who we were before  any of these behaviors became solutions to our problems.

 By the time most of us get to the place of hopelessness, we have lost all sense of who we are and why we are here.  If we hadn't we would not yet be hopeless.   The infinity loop is a great symbol for how our journey into hopelessness occurs.  It also reveals where we find the lost connection to our self:

 

The point of intersection is the place where our self exists

                      ↓

Life events ∞Relief Responses (may become habits, compulsions, addictions)

If we are to move beyond hopelessness we must find/get back (recover) Our Self.  This is the starting point for having a life, growing up, having happiness.  Personally, I have found no way to avoid the need for recovering 'my self'.  Believe me, I've tried all kinds of behaviors, solutions and substitutions.  

Spirituality, therapy and 12-step programs are the three main paths that I know of for getting back to our self.  I've summarized from the twelve-step process, my understanding of what MUST be included for any of chosen paths to be successful in supporting us finding our self:
 
We admit we are powerless and no human power could relieve us of our pain* (this is hopelessness),  a power greater than ourselves can when we become willing to turn our pain*/ourselves over to this Greater Power (this is surrender), and with the aid of this Greater Power and the witness of a trustful person  we look thoroughly and honestly at our lives, our beliefs, our fears from their beginnings (this is letting go).  This whole paragraph is NECESSARY. The words in bold are the critical key to get to the intersection in the feedback loop: the place of getting to our real self.  After the letting go comes the Grace part...to be continued.

 *pain: fear which is not understood, released or resolved ultimately presents as pain.  This can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual pain. 

 

Getting back Into the world fully!

Today I finally found my feet firmly on the ground and my heart fully in place for giving AND receiving and my voice--I found my voice again!  Perhaps the best example of this was my FIRST 'all by myself' constant contact announcement about our new home and my new wonderful office space and my quest to share my abundance with others!  Check out my newsletter:
:
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Circle-of-Self--Announcement-and-Counseling-Opportunity.html?soid=1102678839428&aid=xuk4mmCReJQ

Full Moon Conversations

Tonight was the 'first official' moonthly conference call.  I learned a lot from this call:
       1.  The value of being in community while doing growth work.
       2.  That it helps me (and others) stick to my/our intentions when I/we have an excuse/reason to plan and prepare.  The moon doesn't necessarily give me a reminder call to let me know she shifting into a new phase (although she probably does and I'm just not paying attention).
       3. How rich the lessons are from Jamie Sams' Thirteen Clan Mothers. This call was a good reason to check back in with what Jamie Sam shared as her understanding.  Each time I re-read a chapter I receive so much and hear new information, or hear her writings in a new way which support exactly what I need to hear for what I am working with in my life.
        4. How potent the energy of the moon rhythms really are when I tune in to them.
        5. How supported I feel by the Circle of 'Self program/process. Hearing myself talk on our call tonight  reminded me to practice what I teach.  I'm going back to work with the 6 C's. worksheet.  If I am going to have a healthy and balanced relationship with my financial self I need a very consistent commitment and more clarity about my money beliefs. I have a community of women who are also committed to work on their financial issues.  I feel very blessed by this, it gives me a solid chance for success.  The sixth C is creativity.  For the waning moon, I will be working focusing on clarity and opening to being with my money relationship in ways different than I have ever been before.  A creative opportunity for sure.   
         


The next moonthly conference call will be February's New Moon-Sundy, February 10th at 9 PM Central Time.  Our call will be approximately 1/2 hour.  I'll share some wisdom from 'Wisdom Keeper', February's Clan Mother, talk a bit about working with the new moon and open the floor for caller's visions and goals for the new cycle.  Join us: drop me an email at drfaivre@circleofself.com and I get you signed up.

Stepping Into the River of Now: Icy, Fast, Rocky, and Slippery

I haven't posted recently, but that doesn't doesn't mean I have been slacking off or avoiding my commitment for this moon cycle.  I do feel like I've stepped into a fast-flowing river for which I am ill-prepared to navigate. That said, I'm actually relieved to be exploring my Financial Element/Financial Life.

When I wrote an introduction about the Financial Element for the Circle of Self  Program I commented on the underlying issue surrounding 'money troubles': an, often deep, undercurrent of imbalance in the lives of those of us who struggle with our financial lives.  Inevitably this personal imbalance creeps into one's relationships with others, with our work lives, our social lives, as well as how we feel about ourselves. I felt so overwhelmed when I started to journal about my life with money, I resisted reading the worksheets for the Financial Element from the  Circle of Self Website. I did continue reading Brent Kessel's book, It's Not About the Money, which I had started reading during the Christmas holidays. The book gave me courage to (continuing my metaphor of with the river) go from putting my toe in the water, to stepping fullyinto the river.  When money is abundant, it is amazing how long it is possible to put off dealing with 'THE TRUTH'. I am discovering that 'THE TRUTH' is really more like a lot of little truths.  Thankfully, little truths have solutions which can be remedied in little, carefully chosen steps.  As this is the one Element I have never truthfully faced-I am treating myself as a rookie and working quite straightfowardly with the Circle of Self tools.  I completed a Safe Place Visualization and am creating Wisdom Council specific for my Financial Element.  I'm in the process of completing my 6C's worksheet.  (Find the forms on the Circle of Self Website) I've also enlisted some professional support.  Finally, a small group of other co-strugglers have agreed to gather several times a month and forge this river together. My posts in the coming days and weeks will detail how I am using the Circle of Self Process and integrating other tools I find along the way as I grow, mature and balance my Financial Self.  I know I will not drown, though I am allowing for a few slips and a dunking or two.   This process feels like a well-constructed life vest.

Financial Element: Finding humor in facing the truth.

This morning, my husband gave me an article to read from the Wall Street Journal on healthy sleep positions.  But, as I picked up the paper,  my attention was drawn to the Salt and Pepper cartoon on the back page. (a definite Divinely directed diversion)  If I was more computer savvy, I would be able to paste it on this blog page, but I don't know how to do that, so, I'll describe it instead:

A client is conversing with his financial planner. The client says, "I DO have a diversified retirement plan: 30% hope, 30% wishes and 40% prayers."   

This so clearly exemplifies the state of my Financial Self.  I ask myself  if 'hope, wishes and prayers' are acceptable substitutes for my personal responsibility to take care of myself? Honestly, NO they are not. As I write this and let these thoughts sink in, I feel humiliation and shame and incompetence.

When I sit and read the chapters in Brent Kessel's book I have to force myself to pay attention. The book is great, but I'm in agony, fearing what I might find out next. I'm amazed at my resistance to really delve into this Element of Self.  One of the areas Kessel focuses on is getting to the Core Story of one's relationship and beliefs about money. I read that in money matters, as in many other areas in our life, our early experiences profoundly effect our ongoing adult behavior.  I have always used these 'stories' from my childhood to explain and rationalize my behavior with money. I didn't think about them as being the drivers of my financial well being. Fortunately, Kessel's book is kind and gentle, yet forceful as he gives no excuses for not moving forward.  Indeed, I am aware my ability to live my life and do my work depends on it.

I'm glad for a little humor in this very serious endeavor.  The fact Randy Glasbergen created this particular cartoon comforts me in knowing I am not alone in using 'hope, wishes and prayers' as a plan. I can laugh-just a little.

 

 

January Moon has begun...showing me my weak places

AAHHH! The January moon. I do love new beginnings; the gift of beginning again-and again.  So much hope-so much potential and possibility!  In Jamie Sams' 13 Clan Mothers, the First Clan Mother calls us to live in balance with ourselves and all of life. She offers us lessons for learning the truth about ourselves.  Sometimes these are not easy lessons.  I spent my last 13 month cycle (2012) exploring my gifts and feeling frustrated I could not embrace them fully in my life.  From that frustration came a willingness to explore the core issues underlying my difficulties.  From my willingness came the gift and courage to make the decision to stop drinking alcohol.  I made this commitment at the beginning  the Spring Cycle.  WOW, how my life has changed since then. 

This change, along with daily reflection followed by action, has helped me embrace the gifts necessary for living my life purpose (and for living a purpose-full life). As the months of commitment to clearer thinking and purposeful living accumulated, I began to notice other areas where I was not living to my potential, and not living in full integrity.  Other areas where short term relief prevented me from living my gifts.  I focused a lot of my attention on my Creative Aspect this past year: my re-vamped website launched, I submitted a writer's grant, began a certification program for veteran counseling, added my voice to social action, expanded my philanthropy through my Circle of Self website. Still I felt out of balance in my Creative Self and I noticed how this imbalance effect all my other Aspects.

The empowerment and Divine support I felt from my commitment to live a life of sobriety, gave me the courage to face another of my life long struggles (an Element of Self I have not worked with since I began the Circle of Self process in the fall of 2009): My Financial Element of My Creative Aspect of My Self. So, I started my commitment to embrace my Financial element during the last moon cycle.  During December's waning moon, I actively explored options for working with this Element.  I felt my impatience and desire to 'fix' it.  From the work I have done in my Personal Aspect around health, integrity, prayer and sobriety, I was able to garner the patience to wait for clarity about working with my Financial Element. This patience is a HUGE gift!  And I do experience it as a gift from the Divine, as patience has not been one of my readily available attributes.

I can't say for how many moon cycles my Financial Element will be my primary focus. I sense it will extend through the remainder of the winter season and probably the three moon cycles of the spring season.  I am patient and open about timing as well.  I'll share my experiences on the blog during as I move through my process.  Perhaps some readers will find support, inspiration and relief from my journey.  One of my first gifts: Brent Kessel.  Check out his work.

Two other weaknesses the first clan mother has helped me uncover: 1) inattention to details (leads me to errors which require extra time, sometimes eating crow, and inconvenience for myself and others, and sometimes costs me financially.) For example, I just noticed an error in the January moonthly calendar I sent out, so I will be resending it after I correct it tomorrow.
and 2) I have a tendency to be out of sync with my own internal rhythm.  Not only does this effect my ability to be in sync with my outer life, but if costs me a great deal of energy.  More on that later.