When 'I' is Really "We"

I worked with a client who always talked of herself as 'we'  rather than 'I'.  In my training as a young counselor I was taught that when a client uses 'we' when referring to themselves it meant they had difficulty owning their own behavior or identifying with themselves, really pretty simplistic, but that was the message in the dark ages of graduate school. I was taught to encourage my clients to use 'I'  instead.   Being a rebel in my counseling work from the start, I decided instead to explore who the 'we' was. This turned out to be a very productive process.  Who would she invite as her 'we' if she could choose?  Did she feel younger than her current age?  If  so, how young was her child 'we'?  Which 'we' got her in trouble? Which 'we' would it be helpful to take to work?  Which 'we' must never come to work?  Who is the 'we' shows up on dates?  Which 'we' made the decision to get married? Divorced?  Over the course of a number of sessions this client developed increasing compassion and love for herself, gradually replacing the destructive self-criticism. And she also was more and more willing and able to truly feel herself as an 'I'.

As I focus on my Creative Aspect this month, I have become quite aware of how my life history and experiences continue to support or sabotage of my efforts.  When I was six, I was humiliated by my second grade teacher for my poor spelling skills.  That six year old me still effects my writing, and I recognize that when I'm feeling tentative about my writing abilities, she is one of my 'we's.  For these times I created this visualization: while I am writingat my computer, I sit her on my lap.  I visualize sending love to that six year old Carolyn, unkempt braids, bad spelling and all.  And I continue typing, and as my readers may have notice, spelling poorly!

Tomorrow, I want to write about another 'we', the essential 'WE'.