“Just be yourself!” I
am sure Cheryl Richardson, seminar leader at Movers and Shakers in Chicago last
month had no idea what she was asking when she gave that suggestion for how
to succeed when getting up to speak on stage! As a child, the only place I ever
felt I could really ‘be myself’ was in my own room with the door closed away from my
parents, six siblings and a usual cousin or two. My perception of being ‘myself’ while growing
up is that the ‘self’ was routinely met with disappointment and disapproval by
those who had power and influence over my life.
So, I did all the 'stuff' I identified as 'me' in private and
behind the closed doors of my bedroom. I
read, drew, wrote, day-dreamed, created ‘cutesy’ art objects and projects in my
room, where no one would bother me; until my mother sang loudly up the stairwell for “Lazy Carolyn” to wake up.
So when Cheryl asked us to ‘be yourself’, I was
overcome with a feeling of being incredibly exposed. I wanted to leave, right then! I had come to the seminar to learn how to 'move and shake' in the world. Instead, I came to realize how much shame and embarrassment I felt
about the parts of me which I identified as ‘myself’. I came face to face with
a governing belief that ‘myself’ is not good enough or acceptable (in-fact awfully embarrassing) to show in the outside world.
Right then, rather than get up and leave as was my urge, I prayed with a desperate awareness: I MUST sort out
the shame and embarrassment from my gifts, talents and skills. This is the only way I will be able to live and express my ‘self', (maybe even with a capital ‘S’—yes definitely with a
capital ‘S’ Self), in the outside world.
What am I doing about this ah-ha and 'wake-up' call? Well, a number of things: getting support from a wise therapist who is willing to address this core difficulty; and surrounding myself with others who are also working on shedding the ‘sheltering’
but vermin- infested robes of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. I connect daily with a partner and we commit to each other to complete one small action of stepping-up and stepping-out. I nudge, nourish and love myself, with the help and support of others to let go of isolating and hiding behaviors. It IS often a slow, tedious process. I am am continually made aware by my experiences and my work with others that this CAN NOT be done alone, by oneself and have any lasting true change. I need others on the journey with me--like many of the people who were at the Movers and Shakers conference.
I sit in prayer and contemplation, as best as I am able, and I do this--yup--early in the morning, just like the song asks! I work with my Muse (who often visits me early in the morning-go figure). Slowly and cautiously, but ever more bravely, ever more courageously, I make myself and my endeavors available to
the world. You will see this very soon on my evolving Circle of Self Website. I am an earnest, though often timid, learner of a new song I sing to myself : “Creative Carolyn, will you wake up?”
Do you, too, want to go back into hiding when your are suggested to ‘be yourself?’ Are you being nudged to 'wake up'?
