June 1: New Moon, New Season, New Direction, New Aspect

THOUGHTS ON RELATIONSHIP: THE ASPECT FOR THE SEASON OF SUMMER

What others do to us need have no lasting impact on the flow of our lives. However, what we do to others alters the course of our lives forever. I am not sure who said this, but it is profoundly true.

The season of summer brings us around to the focus on our relationships. Here we sit in the energetic connection with all living things. In the Lakota way one says “Aho Mitakuye Oyasin”, “All my relations”. In this greeting, spoken with humility and respect, there is a deep awareness of the connection between the self and all of life, regardless of its’ form-whether human, bird, plant, animal, mineral or elemental. In the Circle of Self, we work with the Aspect of the Relationship Self focusing on our relationship with other human beings (both living and deceased), as our relationship with other humans is the most direct mirror of our relationship with our self.

The relationship lists: I invite you to begin here as you explore this Aspect of Self--although this is no one right way to begin. Make a list of those with whom you have a broken relationship. Make a second list of those with whom you struggle in your relationship. Make a third list of those with whom you experience your relationship as being in balance.

There is likely to be a common thread running through each of these lists. Can you name what that is for each of list?
Every broken relationship needs to be resolved in some way in order for that relationship to no longer interfere with our current and future relationships. Many times these broken relationships reflect a part of our self that we have been unwilling or unable to face and to mature into our healed humanness.

In relationships, everything that we need to bring out from our own shadow will be revealed to us in some form during the relationship, so that we may grow into our full self with minimum distortion. Growing into this state allows us to experience maximum joy in life as well as minimize unnecessary pain and suffering. That is not to say that we will not have pain or suffering in our lives, only that we not need to feel victimized in our pain and suffering, and that we may take on the suffering consciously and on behalf of some healing, transformation or growth for ourselves or others.

Working with your lists: After you make your list of relationships, ask yourself these questions: “What if what I say about the other person is really true about me?” Or: “What if what I say this person has done to me is really something I have done to this person?” (Insert there name)

And—rather than try to answer the question, instead of answering the questions, notice your body’s reaction to the question. How do you respond physically? What happens in your gut area? What happens in your chest area? What happens in your throat? What happens in your groin? What happens in your hands? What happens in your shoulders? What happens in your back? What happens to your breath? Are there any other areas of the physical body that have a reaction or response to the question?

Then, notice your mind’s reaction to the question. Do thoughts immediately pop into your head? Does your head spin? Try to defend? Create an argument? Change the subject? Just notice the reaction your mind has to hearing the question.

Now ask the question again and this time, focus on the emotional response to the question. Go to the feelings that arise when you ask the question. Do you respond with fear? Do you respond with anger? Do you respond with shame? Do you respond with grief? Do you respond with resentment? What else?

Next we look to our spiritual self to see what the question brings up for us. The discomfort of this unfinished relationship helps us see where there is a disconnect between our perceived spirituality and the reality of. We are being called in our lives to live differently than the

Finally, asking the question from the place of the inner and outer soul can help us look at ourselves and this specific relationship from the perspective of our transformative journey for this lifetime and our life calling. This step in healing and maturing our relationship self requires courage and active reflection. We go beyond just noticing our reactions to mapping the repeat patterns of our relationships with others. To do so requires that we set aside any amount of shame that we may be carrying with us about the relationship with which we are working.

The effect of shame on relationships: A bit of information about shame may be helpful. Shame is a response pattern that develops through one person’s attempt to control the behavior of another through the use of power over. Shame has the effect of disconnecting the shamed person from their true self. Not so much in their feelings, but more in the attributes and their potential. This is a common storyline for many of the clients who have come to work with me, and I have my own shaming experiences myself. Unfortunately, I am sure I have also inadvertently brought a shaming experience on my children. There were times as a parent I felt disempowered to stand for my children when they were shamed by another, and fortunately times when I felt able to stand for them and relieve them of carrying this crucifying burden.

I am reminded of an experience I had in second grade. At that time I already loved writing. Sister Mary Josephina was a strict and crabby teacher. I believe her headdress was too tight as her temples puffed out over the edge of the stiff white pellon that held her long black veil in place. I can only imagine the headaches it must have caused. It was Thanksgiving time and our assignment was to write a thank you letter to our parents. Times were lean when I was in second grade. I do not ever remember doing without as a child, but I do remember my parents being careful spending the money they did have. A trip to town shopping was special, and if dad went along, it meant going to my aunt and uncle’s children’s clothing store or maybe Malone’s. Dad never skimped on clothes and I always loved those trips with him for it meant I was going to get something wonderful. That year I got a new winter ‘Sunday go to church coat’ (as Dad called it) Dark red wool, double breasted with black braided frog closures and black velvet collar. It had a hat and leggings to match. They also bought me a brown plaid sateen dress with velvet piping, a full skirt lined with crinoline, perfect for twirling, and an oversized bow tied in the back. I was counting the days until I would get wear them and that was the first thing that popped into my mind when Sister Mary Josephina gave us our writing assignment. I would thank them for my beautiful clothes.

I was so proud of my letter. While my handwriting was never neat, I had tried to be so careful to write each letter in perfect palmer-style, not pressing too hard and no erasures. I held up my finished product to Sister. Her liver-spotted hand appeared from where she kept it hid, folded up under the cape of her habit, and gnarly fingers pulled the letter from my hand. I waited for praise, and perhaps that is why what happened next was so impactful on my young life, because instead—“What is this, do your parents give you dust cloths?” and to the class: “Carolyn is thankful her parent’s give her cleaning cloths.” I had spelled the word wrong and she had shamed me. There is no doubt, Sister’s sneering words have impacted my ability to fulfill my internal longing and drive to be a ‘real’ writer, fearful to have my writing be seen in public, much less on the web! Sister Josephina is long dead, but her voice lives on in me, and overtime has attracted other voices to reinforce the shaming and keep my writing mind silent. This is one of the things mapping out the patterns in your relationships can help resolve and heal.

I invite you to work with relationship mapping over the course of the next three months. We can learn a lot from the stories that we tell ourselves about our relationships as well as looking at the cyclical nature of our relationship patterns. The June moon cycle gives a lot of energy to working with both.

May you receive many blessings this moon cycle. Aho Mitakuye Oyasin, All my relations!