Dealing With Being Done

Is there a common thread of reaction to the day that follows a big event?  Like buyer's remorse, or the letdown after Christmas, or post vacation blues?  Yesterday I completed and sent off in the mail a big project, a personal challenge I succeeded in accomplishing.  I was giddy with elation about my being done.  This morning, as I woke to continue my morning writing practice, anxiety and fear were waiting to take the place of sleep.  The very fear and doubt I wrote about in one of my competition essays was right where I said they were: sentinels guarding the door of progress.  Fortunately, I recognized them for what they were-feelings masquerading as truth.  They seem a common response for many of us, a kind of let down after exertion or anticipation. By laughing at myself some, I could move beyond my reactions.

But, under that was another layer of discontent: What was next?  I'm feeling at a loss for where to direct all this energy I have, where is my direction?  At the same time, the unfinished issues I  set aside while giving so  much attention to my project are still waiting for me.  I reread my poem from a few days ago.  It isn't that I have nothing to work at or for or with, it is being still long enough to feel the guidance of Divine Direction.  After all, that was the origin, the source that moved me and supported me my recent efforts.  Ahhhhhhh. I breathe.  I see what is in front of me:  daily blogging, daily personal review; continue to greet the morning star, make a dentist appointment and one for the dog's check-up.  Pay bills, chop wood carry water.  Literally.  Do this and more shall be revealed; it always is.  Promise.

Done!

Ive been working on a project in relation with my Creative Aspect. I finished it today! I stepped out of my comfort zone and applied for a writing award.  Writing was a part of the application and that was challenging (and time consuming), though more challenging was the amount of reflection and deep digging I did searching for my identity as a person who writes.  I found pieces of my writing self in the process of writing the application.  I know I have more of this part of me to uncover, to discover.  Actually I am excited to continue this discovery and was thinking about what my next writing project will be.  Part of discipline is to continue the process.  I will still be  getting up at o'dark-thirty to write.  Poor Gary, he thought this was a temporary affliction.

Do We Ever Do Anything Truly Alone?

I don't think there is ever a job we are required to do totally alone. In fact, I have come to believe that even when we think we are alone, we are not alone.  At the very least, our beliefs, past experiences, fears, hopes, other people's influence, all of these are with us.  Our entire subconscious and unconscious and collective unconscious ride along with our conscious.  That is quite a crowd!

I woke up thinking about not wanting to do things alone.  My dreams from last night are vague, but had something to do with lots of boxes (a carry over from writing yesterdays blog post?). I woke with one of those headaches I get from over-concentrating.  I must have been doing that in my sleep. 

If I am going to clean out my personal Pandora's box, I will have help along the way, whether I want it or not.  So, I might as well activily choose my helpers.  Hmmm, I have circled round to the issue of will again. 

The Weight of Unfinished Issues

(From yesterday) my summary in a nutshell: The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well. 

Unfinished Issues
What once seemed a box of treasure
Now carries the weight of Pandora's Box!
I opened it anyway. 
What choice did I have?
My choice was to change or have more of the same.
I've already chosen the change.
Surprising, but nothing popped out.
I looked in.  My stuff looked back.
It's not as dark in there as I thought it would be.
Where did all this stuff come from?
I look further inside to see what's there in more detail.
Stuff I was too busy to deal with.
Things I didn't want to think about.
Wishes that turned into nightmares.
Old hurts.
Whew! A lot of resentments!
Stuff I STILL need to take responsibility for.
Swallowed apologies.
A lot of self-doubt.
Preconceived ideas.
I see dreams stuffed in every corner;
Held down by shoulds, cant's, and shame.
Sorting all this out could take a while.
Do I really have that kind of time?
I'm so busy.
Isn't that where I started?

More On Choosing an Aspect/Element

When I choose to work with an aspect or a specific element, it is usually because there is an issue in my life which needs my attention.  This issue might be one that impacts the element I am focusing on, or it will take action from this element to resolve the troublesome issue in another Aspect or Element. Only occasionally do I ‘get’ to choose to work with an element just for the pleasure of it. 

Near the end of the last moon cycle I completed the “What’s Happening in My Life Now?” worksheet.  I've been completing these worksheets on the dark moon for the last six cycles and I could see a pattern emerging in my answers.  Over the past months my discontent was growing in my Creative Aspect.  As this dis-ease grew in my Creative Aspect, it spilled over into my Relationship Aspect, particularly in the Partner Element.  I noticed in my Personal Aspect, while I was experiencing a new sense of ease in my spirituality, I was slacking off caring for my body, and my self-confidence and self-esteem were wearing away at my self-worth. 

Truth is, I had become pretty self-critical and when I looked at what was happening in my life, everything pointed to the unfinished issues in my Creative Aspect.   Even my Collective Aspect, which usually nurtures me, was showing signs of neglect in my monthly summaries. 
One of the ways I work with my collection of recent  Monthly Summaries, and the 'What’s Happening in My Life Now' worksheets is to draw a word-map showing how the my responses in the summaries are interconnected.  From my mapping I can get an image of the primary issue impacting the others.  This kind of mapping works well for me as I am a very visual person.  If I can figure out our scanner (It could take a few days, so be patient), I'll scan a sample and post it on the blog site, on the chance this way of looking at the monthly summaries is a useful idea for others. . 

In the meantime, here's my summary in a nutshell:  The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well.  I began by doing some serious pondering of the questions posed in the instruction section of the Work/Career Element Work/Career Element Instructions.  Also see the blog post from 10/26/2012

 

 

 

 

 

Choosing What to Work With

            How do I choose what Aspect to work with?  This is one of the questions new Circle of Self ^® participants ask.  This moon cycle, I had a very specific focus in my life, which made a seemingly easy focus for what Aspect and Element to choose to work with:  Creative Aspect, Work/Career Element: developing my work as a writer. 

            There are two worksheets I use which helped me structure how I would best work with my intention for my work element. These are: Work/Career Element Instructions and Working with the 6C’s in the Work Element.  These worksheets help set up a structure for optimizing success. Both begin with questions geared to help us get in touch with our underlying personal history and our beliefs as they relate to our Creativity and our Work Life.   At the end of the Work/Career Element Instructions is this section:

Questions to Ponder

1) What awareness, memories, thoughts or ideas came to you as you completed your inner safe place exercise as it relates to your Work Element?

2)  What did you dream you would grow up to be when you were a child? Did you feel you had choices?

3)  What did you do that gave you the most pleasure as a child? (Also a question in the Creative Aspect/Leisure Element)

4)  Were there things you wished to do or were prevented from doing as a child which are unfinished longings or which you feel kept you from developing your qualities and skills to do your work in the world?

5) Who would you choose as mentors for developing a fulfilling work life? Spend some time making a list of 12 people you would have as mentors for supporting you in fully developing your Creative/Work Self.

6)  Have you met your goals and dreams for your Creative Self? Or in terms how you use the time you have designated as work time? If not, what has gotten in your way of meeting them?

I admit putting off coming to terms with my abilities as a writer for much of my adult life.  It doesn’t matter that I successfully wrote a dissertation, published in a professional journal, had writing skills developed enough (even with my spelling and punctuation difficulties) to construct a website.  The first four questions above have to do with personal history.  At the beginning of this moon cycle, I spent time writing about my history with writing. In doing so, I became clearer about the unfinished dreams and unhealed experiences from my childhood that had become some of the ‘we’s I wrote about in my blog the over the past few days.  Through answering these questions, I was also able to reconnect with some of dreams and the origin of some of my vision for who I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. 

The next task (question 5) is choosing mentors for my work in this element.  My council of mentors includes both historical (i.e. who have already died) and living, willing and able to give me face-time support.

The final question to ponder (#6) about goals and dreams is the most difficult for me to answer.  Truthfully, NO, I have not met my goals and dreams for my work, especially when it comes to being a writer as part of my profession.  Truthfully I have procrastinated (someone said procrastination was a five syllable word for sloth), fought myself, distracted myself and completed other worthwhile goals. Writing has been a longing, a desire, a nagging presence; but it has never been a priority.  Now, with this month, facing myself as a writer is my priority.  As the full moon approaches, I am ready to take a next step with some of my work I have done during the waxing part of this moon cycle. The waning phase of my moon cycle will focus on further development of my 6 C’s for the writer in me.

A Humble Story of aligning My Will in Action

I have a confession:  Last night as I was writing my blog posting on the big ‘We’ of living in alignment with Divine/God’s Will, I had a difficult time putting into useful and truthful words the different ways the three ways of being with ‘will’ express themselves in life.  What I most wanted to do was say my favorite swear phrase, shut the computer off and over-ride my daily blogging commitment.  I persevered, asking myself which position of my will was active: self will, other’s will or God’s will?  After all, this was a perfect example for exploring the use of will, but being in the throes of my inner conflict, I couldn’t see this clearly at the time. 

What this brings to mind is how in many situations, each of these ways of being in our will is active.  The bottom line is which of these directs our action.  In this situation, I wanted to keep my commitment to write daily so I would look good to others and not let Circle of Self Muse readers down, or let myself down, yet one more time (an example of alignment with other’s will and my will, mostly my will).  Thoughts rushed in: of self-criticism about the irrelevance of my blogging and to just quit because I am wasting my time with all this commitment crap, and how I’m a terrible writer and can’t even remember clearly the roles of the will, blah, blah, blah (a great example of negative self will). 

Just then my husband came into my office and asked when I was coming up to bed, “sigh”, a perfect example of the pull of ‘other’s will’.  I felt my upper back and jaw stiffen. ”I’m finishing my blog”, I hissed through gritted teeth.  To top this off, I was attempting to tap into the God’s will part of my posting, and now I’m just feeling imposed upon and pressured.  All the leftover conflicts and unfinished conversations with my husband of the past week came to the forefront of my mind, including our intention to have the night be a date night.  My heart shrunk into itself, and my shoulders became as a cocoon surrounding it in protection.  At that point, I remembered to take a very deep and slow breath.  I said, ‘God, I want to finish this post in a good enough way and go to bed with my husband.’  I sat at the keyboard for a few minutes, quiet, waiting for inspiration.  Then I wrote what I wrote and pushed the publish tab, a humble example of an intention to align with God’s will.  If no words had come, I would have shut down my computer and gone to bed, that would also have been a humble intention to align with God’ will, letting go of my own need for keeping an arbitrary, though commendable, commitment. 

I went to bed with a more open-heart, feeling both loved and loving, and with an unclenched jaw (preventing an otherwise guaranteed morning headache).  Blessings all around…