Full Moon in Dark December

Today/tonight is the full moon for December's Moon Cycle.  My intention for the month has been noodling around in my mind...and out in the world.  I put in motion my intention to immerse myself in my Creative Aspect, and work with my Financial Element.  Just mentioning this at a gathering of women brought about a chorus of 'me too's'.  I felt inspired to have company and hear the willingness of these women to come together as a group and face yet one more, often debilitating issue in their/my/our life.
 
I sent an email request to a women I know who has held working groups for healthy money relationships.  I didn't hear back from her, and I used this as an excuse to not do more...waiting for a response.  My commitment noodled in my semi-conscious even though not conscious, changes about my relationship with money had taken root. I desire to have a different relationship with money--how I am with money, use money. Today, the morning of the full moon I resent my email to my colleague requesting help.  And I have two more plans as back-up and a recommended book:  "It's Not About the Money" by Brent Kessel to begin to read as I wait for the next step.

Today, on this full moon, I realize I am in charge of thoughts, words, actions...

Monotasking=Living from Divine Direction=Oneness

What I know so far:

Monotasking does not mean just doing one thing at a time, but about being and doing from a singleness of purpose.

1.  Montasking and multitasking are names for the way in which we use our energy.
2. To be a successful Monotasker requires a willingness to receive Divine Direction.
3.  Divine Direction is Spiritual Energy (thank you Richard Rohr for bringing me to this awareness).
4. Spiritual Energy cannot be managed, maneuvered or manipulated.
5. When I find myself trying to manage (people and things), maneuver the to the way I think I want things or manipulate life to my way, I am no longer in Divine Direction and I have disconnected from the Divine's freely given Spiritual Energy.
6. Breathing, paying attention and praying help me receive Divine Direction.




 

More on the Rhythm of 'One'

As I work with the idea of Mono-tasking, I share with my sister my new awareness.  I think I am developing an new concept. She tells me there is research on the ineffectiveness of multi-tasking and how we may be wired as humans to be mono-taskers.  So, while a new discovery for myself, not a brave new discovery, that will rock the world...I am quite happy to be one of the hundredth monkeys...

I've spent the past few days observing how I move through life. What helps me ground and focus, what takes me out of my centeredness?  How do I move in and out of mono-tasking?  What happens to 'me' during multi-tasking frenzy?  Do I have times of multi-tasking ease?  Hmmm?  I notice there I times when I am single-focused, as in writing, and I can stay focused and get up and change the laundry (a benefit of working from home???) and come back to my writing.  Then there are times when getting up to change the laundry leads to making more coffee, checking my email, letting the dog out... I am off and running to wherever the next awareness of the outside world takes me. How does this happen?

When I am in contact with my most inner self I am able to stay on task with my priorities.  How to do this?  All the great teachers and mystics from the past have the same messages of how to do this: Pay Attention.  Breathe.  Pray. 

I don't suppose it matters which one I start with, and this varies depending on what is happening at the time.  Sometimes I catch my breath and remember to pay attention. Sometimes what causes me to pay attention leads to a pray.  I do know that paying attention to my breathing usually leads me to a prayer (whether "Help!" or "Thanks!"). 

 Hildegard von Bingen is one of my favorite christian mystics. Over Thanksgiving,  I took some time to read a new historical novel Illuminations: A Novel of Hildegard von Bingen [Mary Sharratt]about her life.  Hildegard came to know when her life moved more easily, regardless of her difficulties or physical pain, when she aligned with her understanding of the Divine (By the way, God manifest in feminine form in her visions) and the Divine moved from the core of her physical being. 

The Circle of Self work offers a path and process for living life from our inner most self: our center, our core, our place of connection to the Divine).  My vision intention and goals for each moon cycle are a learning process about the flow of my life and my part in this flow.  I remind myself life is a process and a path of becoming.  When I am an active part of this path, when I use these tools and this support ACTIVELY a rhythm and flow emerges.  I am 'at one' with myself and the Divine. From this place of being I move from a place of single focus (mono-task) which allows for holding more and doing more and staying connected to my 'mono'.

 

Working With 'ONE' As A Path To Presence

I have always thought of myself as a great multi-tasker.  Truth is, I am most certainly a mono-tasker. I have been deluding myself for years. This is a rude awakening for me, coming to know I had been living with the illusion, or delusion of being a multi-tasker.  I came to know more of the truth of this aspect of my character when I committed myself to taking four hours of consecutive quiet and retreat time during this past week.  It didn't happen.  It didn't happen in an obvious, in my face kind of way.  It's not that I didn't get anything done, I attended to a number of things.  My attention was called to a broad array of items, nearly all legitimate and needful. What I discovered was the things I attended to were not the things I held as  my highest priorities: like four hours of personal retreat time, and two consecutive hours of writing time, daily. 

I CAN do many things at once.  The questions that come have more to do with what part of me is directing what I choose to do, and whether splitting my energy up into multiple tasks is really serving me, my life purpose or bringing me the desired balance and focus I say I am committed to.  Who really is in charge of my decision making? 

As I review my past week, I acknowledge nearly every thing I did had some value.  I didn't actually 'waste' any time AND I also didn't do ANY of what I had listed as the top three items of my priority list, either.  This is where the rub comes in.  Life throws us curve balls all the time.  The thing about curve balls is they change direction as they come toward us and we naturally shift the direction of our focus as we notice.  Suddenly, the intentions at the top of the list are out of sight and out of mind.  Shifting focus automatically shifts balance and shifts where our energy goes.  We don't choose curve balls, and they usually require some kind of attention so we don't get hit. 

As I sit here writing, I am being barraged by the onslaught of three people talking, disregarding my request to quiet writing time.  Perfect example of this kind of curve ball.  How do I manage this?  Breathe, focus inward. The distraction comes from two places that I notice:  my emotional response (aggravation and resentment) and lack of skill at mono-tasking.  Does mono-tasking takes more skill than multi-tasking...food for thought.  

Taking Time for Presence=Path to Balance

As I move through the waning phase of this 11^th moon cycle, I find myself becoming more aware of a pull toward quiet time with just myself; no distractions, no cell phone, not even a knitting project to distract me.  I am longing for some time to reconnect with myself – my deep within myself SELF.  I would call this SELF the ‘me’ which springs from the place of the inner soul on the circle of self map. From this place all the Aspects and Elements receive my attention and care. When I don’t give this SELF adequate attention, balance in the rest of my life falls off-or falls apart.  The story of Walks Tall Women relates the need for women to take time for silence and retreat on a regular basis.  It’s good to have this reminder as we enter the time before the holiday crush. 

In my spiritual practice, I honor the keeping of the Advent ritual, also reminding us to be still, to reflect, and also to stay awake, not unlike time spent in vision questing.   While I may not be able to fit in 4 days and 4 nights as I would questing.  I can find four hours this week to just be with myself.  From this place of being, I can begin to see the places where I am not at ease with my life.  I can face my self-judgments and I can allow the inner order coming from Divine Direction through my Soul to manifest more clearly.  Using the image of the Circle of Self Map as a focal point, I invite the best rhythm and balance for my life to become an ongoing presence in my life.

 

 

Releasing Old Patterns-Waning Moon

What are the old patterns I am releasing? How to release a pattern?  What is required?  I think about letting go or releasing is there a difference? For example, I keep getting caught up with words running through my mind, and yet refusing to commit them to writing.  How do I let go of whatever habit I have that keeps me from committing to my writing more fully?

I have an image of an untethered voice in my head—running wild, when I pull it in close for examination, if it is not controlled; I fear it might beat me to pieces! If I sedate it, what do I want to do with it? Examine it for????  OK.  Now I have found what is causing all the upheaval: there are external distractions (like the lion with the thorn in his foot that the mouse took out), an external irritant that I can remove.  Is that all or are there other dis-eases, in-juries, dis-orders which need attending? 

Dis-ease:  Where am I not at ease in my life?

In-juries:  Where am I judging, making rulings, giving directives, awarding damages or handing out punishments?

Dis-orders:  What has gotten out of order in my life?

Over the next few days I’ll share what I uncover as I further explore these questions. Even in the process of this explore, I come back into rhythm.

November Full Moon Musings: What Walks Tall Woman Teaches Me

As I was driving at sunset last evening, I saw the most beautiful near-full moon I think I have ever seen.  The moon seemed to be floating behind a veil of pale pink, white and lavender clouds painted by the setting sun. I experienced the beauty of this scene with awe and gratitude, and at the same time I felt a rush of panic and a flitter of anxiety course through my body.  I’ve been experiencing this particular moon cycle as rushed, jumbled, chaotic and without focus. What a contrast to last month’s focused and purposeful cycle. Now, here was the full moon and I judged myself harshly: I hadn’t accomplished anything. 

In an effort to reset and refocus, I picked up my Thirteen Clan Mothers book  (see resources)to reflect upon the lessons of the Clan Mother for this month. Walks Tall Woman…Hmmm. It seems I have been manifesting a replication of Walks Tall Woman’s initial way of being in the world-a high level of pushing energy and over activity followed by collapse and exhaustion.  So what lessons can I take from her teaching for moving through the last part of this cycle, as well as the next part of my life? Can I bring a balance to my personal expectations and my drive to achieve, with the faith of being in the present moment and being willing to listen and act according to Divine Will? Can I become aware of my own inner rhythm rather than falling prey to perfectionism and workaholism?

By taking time for myself, away from my partner, away from the pull of holiday preparations, away from all that is not priority in my life, I can achieve a state of balance. I am aware of needing to be clearer about the amount and kind of alone time I truly need. There is a balance between alone time and isolating.  I need to learn to be aware of my own physical rhythms and cycles. No longer having a menstrual flow to remind me, what is the rhythm of this wise body? In my whole-person counseling practice I walk with my clients as their guide and witness down the paths of knowledge, hope, balance and change.  In my own life, I take the same paths, and I, too, need a witness and guide for my own journey.  While I already have these guides in my life, I know I can use their skills and knowledge more fully than I have to help me manifest my life more fully.

As I move into the waning phase of this November Moon Cycle, I am not releasing new manifestations-that was last month’s journey.  I am, rather, releasing an old pattern (several old patterns) and being observant of what comes forward as a new way of being.  I am reminded in the Walks Tall Woman story that I, too, am called to lead by example.  The nature of my work in all my roles calls for this.  I can laugh at myself as well, knowing how I often lead by the example of my missteps and foibles.

Rhythms and the Return of Discipline

I've taken a ten day hiatus from blogging.  Not consciously on purpose, but rather by getting off track from my focused priorities, from slipping out of the rhythm I had been nicely flowing in for the past two months. 

Traveling can shift us out of our rhythm; so can holidays, or crises. But mostly, we get out of our rhythms by taking our attention off our priorities.  At least that is how I do it. Hind-sight allows for good analysis of what is going on under the surface of slipping out of focus for me. I'm starting to see the results of my focused intention and behaviors. Goals are coming into sight-with good probabilities of coming to fruition.  Change is happening faster than planned.  My beliefs about myself are shifting. I've come up against another cycle of being called to look myself in my heart and in my soul and my mind and see where I need to make more changes, come to a deeper level of honesty and give up more bad habits.  I saw how I gradually let go my exercise routine, went on a sugar binge (%$*&>!# candy corn!), started sleeping in too long so I missed my morning writing time.

I'm traveling tomorrow.  I could take this as another excuse to stay out of rhythm and commitment. I'm off to my sister's for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I'm fortunate because she's the kind of sister who will give me a little nudge and walk beside me for a few steps and I'll be back in my rhythm in no time!

Blessings and gratitude to you all;

Defining Rhythms and Cycles

Rhythms and Cycles happen, with or without our awareness.  We are affected by the rhythms and cycles in our life with or without our awareness as well.  There is a simple formula to explain the relationship between awareness level and effect of a cycle’s rhythm.  Cycles have rhythms within them.  There may also be rhythms without cycles. 

Some rhythms which don’t necessarily have a particular cycle:

Heartbeat

Bee buzz

Electric motor

White noise machine

Drum beat

Metronome

Pulse

Humming bird

I was thinking about places where there are cycles without rhythms.  I could only think of man- made things like the washing machine. 

Then there are rhythms within cycles, like breathing and menstruation, bio-rhythms and circadian rhythms, and of course the moon. 

Example of why it is important to live in sync with the rhythms and cycles of our life: When there is a rip-tide at the beach, there are specific directions for survival if one should be caught one in a riptide.  Swimming with the rhythm of the current can save our life; fighting the current guarantees exhaustion at a minimum or death at worst.

In Circle of Self^® the working with moon cycles instructs us on living in the rhythm of life. First we notice and become aware of the moon’s cycle.  Next, we align ourselves with the moon’s cycles by our intention of focus for our chosen Aspect/Element. Third, we sync our practice with the cycles of the moon.  Over-time, the rhythm of the cycles begin to move our intentions alignment, syncing. 

Becoming aware of the movement in the waning days of the cycle of the moon, I became aware of the deeper aspects and potential of using  Moon Cycles as a support for living our life.  Definitely more to come!

I Hate the Time Change/ Disruptions in Rhythm

Five days into the falling-back time change:  I’m still not back in my rhythm.  I hate the early darkness and the earlier light.  I hate the time change in the spring, too.  Both disrupt my rhythm.  Both are manmade manipulations of time.  But I am REALLY HATING this one!

When I sit with my reaction to the time change, I am frankly surprised:  resentment, anger, frustration.  I feel like I am a victim with no recourse or way to manage what is happening. This arbitrary, out dated, imposed adjustment of the clock infuriates me. 

I began writing this blog post on Monday, noticed what seemed an unreasonably strong reaction, so I set it aside to simmer-down for a day or so.  Now, on Wednesday, I’m still grumbling, still feeling exhausted and out of my rhythm.  Being out of my rhythm underlies my feelings.  There was a comfort in writing in the early morning darkness of the past couple of months.  Now, the morning is star is gone from sight when I get up and my writing rhythm seems gone from access as well. Antsy and irritable are my primary feelings.  I can’t change the time change and I have no serenity about it.  And the more I write the madder I get.

Underneath:  With the time change I became disconnected from a rhythm which was supporting me.  By using what Gabriele Lusser Rico refers to as ‘clustering’ in her book ‘Writing the Natural Way’  (I call it spider-webbing) I diagram what is connected to ‘disruption of rhythm’.  With just a few words I know what is underlying my disconnection:  the time change is a stand-in for other things in my life that are challenging my commitment to writing.  My doing things differently is a hard adjustment for my spouse.  It is easier to be upset with the time-change than with his sometimes not so subtle push and pull at my change in behavior (getting up earlier and spending more time in my work).  How much space is there in my rhythm to negotiate multiple needs without losing myself, my intentions, my goals, my needs?  

This reminds me of the best-selling inspirational book: ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ Spencer Johnson (1998).

 

 

 

 

Updating Waning Post

Multi-tasking and editing don't work together very well!  Will I need this lesson multiple times to understand,  or can I accept my self-editing will always have some amount of imperfection?  I didn't see my post on the waning moon until it came through my I-phone yesterday morning. What ever cycle google sets up, it doesn't matter if I publish the afternoon of one day, if you're on the email list, it gets sent out about 5:30 the next morning.  Another reminder of how little control we really have outside of ourselves!

When editing my post, my 4 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap wanting to write as well.  Her enthusiasm results in pages of paper taped all over her parents' house covered in reversed lettering!  I certainly don't want to discouraged her passion.    She watched my typing, asking questions and wanting to tap the keys herself.  The end result: my waning was occasionally waxing!  Sorry.  'Wax on wax off' as Miyagi in Karate Kid says.  Oh,  he also says, "Don't forget to breathe, very important".

 

The Phenomenon of Release: The Journey of Waning With the Moon

I’m curious to know what others experience when they release at the full moon.  Is there a different sensation of aftermath when we release/let go of those things which no longer serve us, or which hamper our growth from those times when we send out into the world a new project, intention or accomplishment? 

My usual way of being with my full moon work has been to do ceremony, be very present for the evening of the ceremony and the next morning I'm already moving on to the next thing in my life.  I am now aware my full moon energy has been more of a segmented piece in my cycle-work rather than part of a flow.  A comment from a COS participant led me to rethink how I had been doing my full moon ceremonies.  She commented it seemed to take a few days into the waning moon cycle for her to feel any shift from her full moon ceremony.  I  acnowkledged I had not taken the time to notice, instead done my usual thing of moving full steam ahead!

So this month when I finished my project on the full moon, I paid attention to the aftermath of sending my work out into the world.  First, I noticed how much I second guess myself.  I noticed how fear, anxiety andself-criticism seep into my thoughts after initial elation.  Less than 24 hours later, I start to doubt my work.  Day two, I am antsy to engage in something new to avoid thinking more about what I may or may not have done ‘good enough’.  Day three, I am grateful for a reset.  Talking with wise colleagues helps me center myself in my intention.   “Remember,” I tell myself, “you released your work to the world with a prayer.  It is out of your hands now, in God’s hands.  She will do what needs done with your efforts.”   I had ease and flow the rest of the day.

Day four:  An irritable Friday, I want to be left alone.  I have no flow of words.  It takes repeated efforts at mindfulness for me to acknowledge the underlying current of my discontent, and speak about it.  I am grateful I can stay centered, even when there is no resolution.  But still, no writing comes.  I’m glad for the distraction of my grandchildren.

Saturday, day five:  Is this the energy of the waning moon I notice?  This is a new feeling.  What I have released, sent out into the world also takes me out into the world a bit more as well.  I feel my willingness to continue on.  Despite distractions in the day, trips to the mall, playing with grand-girls and calls to multi-task, my writing self is with me all day.  I will start to carry a little notebook to jot down writing thoughts coming through me.  I don’t feel antsy or irritable about not beng home with access to my computer.  I 'm okay a bit of me is released into the world as well as my project.  In releasing, I have become fuller and more of my Self.  I filled pages and pages on rhythm and cycles, this morning. In the days to come I will edit them and perhaps a chapter will begin to emerge.  I am thinking about starting on the book proposal.  Already I am preparing for the next gestation. I will watch and listen and respond.  I am just at the threshold of understanding the power in the waning moon.

The blessing of welcoming women

Today was a day surrounded by women!  My life has transitioned from a lot of alone time to being surrounded by all kinds of women. Beginning at 7 with an early morning meeting surrounded by six women, solving problems, sharing stories.  Two phone calls, a friend and a sister entertained me on my way to breakfast with a new writer friend.  Both the breakfast and the conversation nourished me well.  This would have been enough for the day, but the blessings of women just kept flowing. 

When I arrived home, my daughter was there waiting; a quick trip home from college, coming to get some counsel, hugs and of course a little money!  A few sessions with women clients who honor me in sharing their journeys with me, off to see my spiritual director who is helping me write my spiritual life/  Then Pilate's class with a good friend and two caring teachers, and dinner with a friend.  I get home and here are emails waiting to be read, from women I love.  What a rare day to have so many women touch my life in one day and me touch their lives. I am so grateful, feel so blessed. 

There is a change in me, I think, that has brought more women into my life-or invited the women in my life to come closer.  A good part of it has to do with my intention to make myself available for connection.  Another is developing a willingness to reach out of my comfort zone and ask for connection, and invite connection.  I am also more willing to ask for help, which invites connection.  There is something special about gathering women together.  Wisdom starts to flow when we connect with one another, and ideas too.  That happened today, I'm satisfied, but I do want more!

Dealing With Being Done

Is there a common thread of reaction to the day that follows a big event?  Like buyer's remorse, or the letdown after Christmas, or post vacation blues?  Yesterday I completed and sent off in the mail a big project, a personal challenge I succeeded in accomplishing.  I was giddy with elation about my being done.  This morning, as I woke to continue my morning writing practice, anxiety and fear were waiting to take the place of sleep.  The very fear and doubt I wrote about in one of my competition essays was right where I said they were: sentinels guarding the door of progress.  Fortunately, I recognized them for what they were-feelings masquerading as truth.  They seem a common response for many of us, a kind of let down after exertion or anticipation. By laughing at myself some, I could move beyond my reactions.

But, under that was another layer of discontent: What was next?  I'm feeling at a loss for where to direct all this energy I have, where is my direction?  At the same time, the unfinished issues I  set aside while giving so  much attention to my project are still waiting for me.  I reread my poem from a few days ago.  It isn't that I have nothing to work at or for or with, it is being still long enough to feel the guidance of Divine Direction.  After all, that was the origin, the source that moved me and supported me my recent efforts.  Ahhhhhhh. I breathe.  I see what is in front of me:  daily blogging, daily personal review; continue to greet the morning star, make a dentist appointment and one for the dog's check-up.  Pay bills, chop wood carry water.  Literally.  Do this and more shall be revealed; it always is.  Promise.

Done!

Ive been working on a project in relation with my Creative Aspect. I finished it today! I stepped out of my comfort zone and applied for a writing award.  Writing was a part of the application and that was challenging (and time consuming), though more challenging was the amount of reflection and deep digging I did searching for my identity as a person who writes.  I found pieces of my writing self in the process of writing the application.  I know I have more of this part of me to uncover, to discover.  Actually I am excited to continue this discovery and was thinking about what my next writing project will be.  Part of discipline is to continue the process.  I will still be  getting up at o'dark-thirty to write.  Poor Gary, he thought this was a temporary affliction.

Do We Ever Do Anything Truly Alone?

I don't think there is ever a job we are required to do totally alone. In fact, I have come to believe that even when we think we are alone, we are not alone.  At the very least, our beliefs, past experiences, fears, hopes, other people's influence, all of these are with us.  Our entire subconscious and unconscious and collective unconscious ride along with our conscious.  That is quite a crowd!

I woke up thinking about not wanting to do things alone.  My dreams from last night are vague, but had something to do with lots of boxes (a carry over from writing yesterdays blog post?). I woke with one of those headaches I get from over-concentrating.  I must have been doing that in my sleep. 

If I am going to clean out my personal Pandora's box, I will have help along the way, whether I want it or not.  So, I might as well activily choose my helpers.  Hmmm, I have circled round to the issue of will again. 

The Weight of Unfinished Issues

(From yesterday) my summary in a nutshell: The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well. 

Unfinished Issues
What once seemed a box of treasure
Now carries the weight of Pandora's Box!
I opened it anyway. 
What choice did I have?
My choice was to change or have more of the same.
I've already chosen the change.
Surprising, but nothing popped out.
I looked in.  My stuff looked back.
It's not as dark in there as I thought it would be.
Where did all this stuff come from?
I look further inside to see what's there in more detail.
Stuff I was too busy to deal with.
Things I didn't want to think about.
Wishes that turned into nightmares.
Old hurts.
Whew! A lot of resentments!
Stuff I STILL need to take responsibility for.
Swallowed apologies.
A lot of self-doubt.
Preconceived ideas.
I see dreams stuffed in every corner;
Held down by shoulds, cant's, and shame.
Sorting all this out could take a while.
Do I really have that kind of time?
I'm so busy.
Isn't that where I started?

More On Choosing an Aspect/Element

When I choose to work with an aspect or a specific element, it is usually because there is an issue in my life which needs my attention.  This issue might be one that impacts the element I am focusing on, or it will take action from this element to resolve the troublesome issue in another Aspect or Element. Only occasionally do I ‘get’ to choose to work with an element just for the pleasure of it. 

Near the end of the last moon cycle I completed the “What’s Happening in My Life Now?” worksheet.  I've been completing these worksheets on the dark moon for the last six cycles and I could see a pattern emerging in my answers.  Over the past months my discontent was growing in my Creative Aspect.  As this dis-ease grew in my Creative Aspect, it spilled over into my Relationship Aspect, particularly in the Partner Element.  I noticed in my Personal Aspect, while I was experiencing a new sense of ease in my spirituality, I was slacking off caring for my body, and my self-confidence and self-esteem were wearing away at my self-worth. 

Truth is, I had become pretty self-critical and when I looked at what was happening in my life, everything pointed to the unfinished issues in my Creative Aspect.   Even my Collective Aspect, which usually nurtures me, was showing signs of neglect in my monthly summaries. 
One of the ways I work with my collection of recent  Monthly Summaries, and the 'What’s Happening in My Life Now' worksheets is to draw a word-map showing how the my responses in the summaries are interconnected.  From my mapping I can get an image of the primary issue impacting the others.  This kind of mapping works well for me as I am a very visual person.  If I can figure out our scanner (It could take a few days, so be patient), I'll scan a sample and post it on the blog site, on the chance this way of looking at the monthly summaries is a useful idea for others. . 

In the meantime, here's my summary in a nutshell:  The unfinished issues in my work life are seriously impacting not only my other Creative Elements, but my other Aspects as well.  I began by doing some serious pondering of the questions posed in the instruction section of the Work/Career Element Work/Career Element Instructions.  Also see the blog post from 10/26/2012

 

 

 

 

 

Choosing What to Work With

            How do I choose what Aspect to work with?  This is one of the questions new Circle of Self ^® participants ask.  This moon cycle, I had a very specific focus in my life, which made a seemingly easy focus for what Aspect and Element to choose to work with:  Creative Aspect, Work/Career Element: developing my work as a writer. 

            There are two worksheets I use which helped me structure how I would best work with my intention for my work element. These are: Work/Career Element Instructions and Working with the 6C’s in the Work Element.  These worksheets help set up a structure for optimizing success. Both begin with questions geared to help us get in touch with our underlying personal history and our beliefs as they relate to our Creativity and our Work Life.   At the end of the Work/Career Element Instructions is this section:

Questions to Ponder

1) What awareness, memories, thoughts or ideas came to you as you completed your inner safe place exercise as it relates to your Work Element?

2)  What did you dream you would grow up to be when you were a child? Did you feel you had choices?

3)  What did you do that gave you the most pleasure as a child? (Also a question in the Creative Aspect/Leisure Element)

4)  Were there things you wished to do or were prevented from doing as a child which are unfinished longings or which you feel kept you from developing your qualities and skills to do your work in the world?

5) Who would you choose as mentors for developing a fulfilling work life? Spend some time making a list of 12 people you would have as mentors for supporting you in fully developing your Creative/Work Self.

6)  Have you met your goals and dreams for your Creative Self? Or in terms how you use the time you have designated as work time? If not, what has gotten in your way of meeting them?

I admit putting off coming to terms with my abilities as a writer for much of my adult life.  It doesn’t matter that I successfully wrote a dissertation, published in a professional journal, had writing skills developed enough (even with my spelling and punctuation difficulties) to construct a website.  The first four questions above have to do with personal history.  At the beginning of this moon cycle, I spent time writing about my history with writing. In doing so, I became clearer about the unfinished dreams and unhealed experiences from my childhood that had become some of the ‘we’s I wrote about in my blog the over the past few days.  Through answering these questions, I was also able to reconnect with some of dreams and the origin of some of my vision for who I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. 

The next task (question 5) is choosing mentors for my work in this element.  My council of mentors includes both historical (i.e. who have already died) and living, willing and able to give me face-time support.

The final question to ponder (#6) about goals and dreams is the most difficult for me to answer.  Truthfully, NO, I have not met my goals and dreams for my work, especially when it comes to being a writer as part of my profession.  Truthfully I have procrastinated (someone said procrastination was a five syllable word for sloth), fought myself, distracted myself and completed other worthwhile goals. Writing has been a longing, a desire, a nagging presence; but it has never been a priority.  Now, with this month, facing myself as a writer is my priority.  As the full moon approaches, I am ready to take a next step with some of my work I have done during the waxing part of this moon cycle. The waning phase of my moon cycle will focus on further development of my 6 C’s for the writer in me.

A Humble Story of aligning My Will in Action

I have a confession:  Last night as I was writing my blog posting on the big ‘We’ of living in alignment with Divine/God’s Will, I had a difficult time putting into useful and truthful words the different ways the three ways of being with ‘will’ express themselves in life.  What I most wanted to do was say my favorite swear phrase, shut the computer off and over-ride my daily blogging commitment.  I persevered, asking myself which position of my will was active: self will, other’s will or God’s will?  After all, this was a perfect example for exploring the use of will, but being in the throes of my inner conflict, I couldn’t see this clearly at the time. 

What this brings to mind is how in many situations, each of these ways of being in our will is active.  The bottom line is which of these directs our action.  In this situation, I wanted to keep my commitment to write daily so I would look good to others and not let Circle of Self Muse readers down, or let myself down, yet one more time (an example of alignment with other’s will and my will, mostly my will).  Thoughts rushed in: of self-criticism about the irrelevance of my blogging and to just quit because I am wasting my time with all this commitment crap, and how I’m a terrible writer and can’t even remember clearly the roles of the will, blah, blah, blah (a great example of negative self will). 

Just then my husband came into my office and asked when I was coming up to bed, “sigh”, a perfect example of the pull of ‘other’s will’.  I felt my upper back and jaw stiffen. ”I’m finishing my blog”, I hissed through gritted teeth.  To top this off, I was attempting to tap into the God’s will part of my posting, and now I’m just feeling imposed upon and pressured.  All the leftover conflicts and unfinished conversations with my husband of the past week came to the forefront of my mind, including our intention to have the night be a date night.  My heart shrunk into itself, and my shoulders became as a cocoon surrounding it in protection.  At that point, I remembered to take a very deep and slow breath.  I said, ‘God, I want to finish this post in a good enough way and go to bed with my husband.’  I sat at the keyboard for a few minutes, quiet, waiting for inspiration.  Then I wrote what I wrote and pushed the publish tab, a humble example of an intention to align with God’s will.  If no words had come, I would have shut down my computer and gone to bed, that would also have been a humble intention to align with God’ will, letting go of my own need for keeping an arbitrary, though commendable, commitment. 

I went to bed with a more open-heart, feeling both loved and loving, and with an unclenched jaw (preventing an otherwise guaranteed morning headache).  Blessings all around…

 

 

Divine Will: the Ultimate 'We'

My connection with the Divine Creator is the WE I was referring to at the end of my blog yesterday.  The difference between the little 'we's of my life experience influencing my decisions and the WE of when I am able to align with God's 'Will'  is pretty amazing.  I wrote about use of will in a couple of posts at the beginning of this month

This question came from a Cirle of Self reader: "How do I know if my behavior is influenced by other people's will, my own will, or God/Divine will?"  Here is a very short and simplistic description just for a start:

We are responding to other peoples will when we act because of the influence or pressure from outside ourselves.  Often times we will have a gut feeling that what we are choosing is not what we would choose on our own. Often we experience a feeling of being pushed or cajoled into a choice.  Blame and guilt may be part of decideing from this decision. When I feel under the influence of pressure of another I tend to feel a tightness in my upper back and shoulders.  I find I am more hunched over and my shoulders rolling forward, as if I am energetically trying to protect my heart area.  My stomach will often be upset or sour.  I may also feel angry or blameful. I am usually aware of compromising.

Acting according to our own will often has a feeling of acting 'inspite of what other's want'.  We act from our will because we either want get something, or want to avoid something.  When we try to extert our will we can be rigid in our responses or controlling of others.  When I am the place of acting from my own will, I might feel rightous, entitled, superior.  Physically, I will have a rigid /tight back, an energy of 'me against the world'.  Of course, these are extremes of physiological response.  Most self-will decisons in our daily life are so routine we aren't aware we are acting from a place of our own willfulness.

Acting in alignment with Divine/God's Will requires a degree of spiritual awareness and a start at the practice of being humble.  Spiritual awareness begins when we pray, enter a state of mindfulness or even a time of quiet and ask for direction and guidance. If we can listen, we will hear Divine direction (even when we don't like the answer).  I have found when I move in my life by asking to align with Divine will, I experience a sense of ease and peace, no matter how difficult a choice I might be asked to make.  I also always feel God's support and a sense of protection when I make a choice or decision from this place.  I usually know what the right thing to do is, and I don't want to do it...that is when I know I am struggling to move my own will in alignment with God's.  It is a daily practice, sometimes easy and sometimes not. 

More later.

When 'I' is Really "We"

I worked with a client who always talked of herself as 'we'  rather than 'I'.  In my training as a young counselor I was taught that when a client uses 'we' when referring to themselves it meant they had difficulty owning their own behavior or identifying with themselves, really pretty simplistic, but that was the message in the dark ages of graduate school. I was taught to encourage my clients to use 'I'  instead.   Being a rebel in my counseling work from the start, I decided instead to explore who the 'we' was. This turned out to be a very productive process.  Who would she invite as her 'we' if she could choose?  Did she feel younger than her current age?  If  so, how young was her child 'we'?  Which 'we' got her in trouble? Which 'we' would it be helpful to take to work?  Which 'we' must never come to work?  Who is the 'we' shows up on dates?  Which 'we' made the decision to get married? Divorced?  Over the course of a number of sessions this client developed increasing compassion and love for herself, gradually replacing the destructive self-criticism. And she also was more and more willing and able to truly feel herself as an 'I'.

As I focus on my Creative Aspect this month, I have become quite aware of how my life history and experiences continue to support or sabotage of my efforts.  When I was six, I was humiliated by my second grade teacher for my poor spelling skills.  That six year old me still effects my writing, and I recognize that when I'm feeling tentative about my writing abilities, she is one of my 'we's.  For these times I created this visualization: while I am writingat my computer, I sit her on my lap.  I visualize sending love to that six year old Carolyn, unkempt braids, bad spelling and all.  And I continue typing, and as my readers may have notice, spelling poorly!

Tomorrow, I want to write about another 'we', the essential 'WE'.

The "I's" Have It: Growing is all About the Personal Self

My blogging over the past  week  has focused on the Personal Aspect of Self.  I need to remind myself,no matter what Aspect I am working with during any given moon cycle, all my Personal Elements are intermingled with my work.

This month, my 'work' is really focused on my Creative Aspect.  All my thoughts, beliefs and hopes about myself are up for review as I explore how I engage each of the Creative Elements to make my desired changes. I take myself into what ever plan of action I am engaging.  My thought processes, feelings about self and others, attitudes, willingness to acknowledge intuition and reaction patterns. These are a necessary part of my Creative Movement.  Acknowledging what I know and don't know.  Stopping myself from short-cutting personal care. Stopping sabotage. The good part is I am more present this time around, which insures at the very least good progress if not full success in my venture. For example:I did not say 'no' when my gut told me 'NO!!!', I immediately recognized my sabotage, and was also immediately aware of what this cost me in terms of emotional well being and physical time.  I am getting quicker at recognizing my old friend, the Saboteur archetype, as well as her counterpart-the Prostitute.  So I can stop myself before I do something self-harming. I MUST be as fully present to all the parts of me as I can be at this time.  Perfection is DEFINITELY not required, but awareness is.  "I", as much as I know who that "I" is at this time, must be willing to align with my calling and purpose (which is the same as Divine Will). 

To make choices and change in our life, we need to make the process all about ourselves first-and look closely at all elements of our self. The exercises in the Personal Aspect of Circle of Self are a great place to start focusing on you 'I'!  The first step is self awareness, then self understanding then self acceptance followed by positive growth and change. Check it out: Personal Aspect

More "I-isms" and the challenge of change

We are halfway through the waxing moon of this wonderful harvest moon cycle.  I do love this month. October brings with it so many memories of harvest time on the farm where I grew up.  I know for many the approaching longer and colder nights, lack of sun and isolation that often comes with the approaching winter harbors depression. But, I'm  invigorated by this season of year, and year seems especially invigorating-and intense. My Circle of Self process for this month is focused on the Creative Aspect, with pieces of my intention in each of the four elements: work/career, philanthropy, leisure and financial.  There is an intensity to my process this month because I am challenging myself to step considerably out of my comfort zone in a number of ways in this Aspect. If this sounds mysterious, I'll fill you in at the dark of the moon!

It's not surprising then, stepping out of my comfort zone, I should be made aware of all the 'I' words.I am noticing my thoughts and reactions.  My psychological, physical and emotional senses are very keen right now, and I find my self jarred by the intensity of both the world around me (mostly the people) and my responses.  If I am challenging myself to be more of who I am, it makes sense that I would be particularly aware of insecurity, integrity, intuition, intention, imperfections, etc., etc., as well as their opposites.  I feel knocked back and forth between feeling secure in a decision and commitment and an hour later, tripped up and betraying my commitment to myself.   The image I get is of being thrown from one side of a box (keeping in mind that my work for this moon cycle takes me out of my comfort zone, my safe box) to the other and then into another corner, unrelentingly.  Maybe that is one way to break out of the box!  This leaves me feeling a little bruised, and I fear I may be a little bruising toward those around me who are on this journey with me.  I'm a great example of Jung's individuation versus the divided self I referred to in yesterday's blog.

So, as I focus on my Creative Aspect, my Personal Aspect is also quite active, as is my Relationship Aspect.  And although it's a challenge to stay present and intentional, I do feel the support of the moon energy for this month.  I am in the middle of a harvest of myself. 

I Am and I Am Not

Im, I'm, I am, words:

Imperfect
Immediate
Impartial
Impatient
Impractical

Jung's observations on the word individuation and individual explains a lot about human behavior-well, I should speak for myself: MY behavior.  I am so often not an individual.  Not only do I go along with whatever to 'get along', not draw attention to myself or not 'make waves'.  I also, as Jung reflected, am divided in myself.  I go against myself, sabotage my efforts.  The I-M words are great descriptors of this exact concept: Imperfect versus I'm perfect, Impartial versus I'm partial etc.

I realize part of my personal growth work in this Circle of Self year, has been learning to live with the divisions in myself (the divisiveness, the divides).  This kind of practice is an intentional practice.  I make a commitment to look at myself honestly (integrity) in my daily review practice.   I have impatience and patience. I know the downside of being impractical and the ho-hum-ness of being practical.  I am both partial and impartial.  There are times when I want it my way NOW (immediate) and times when I am willing to mediate.  I recognize the times I have been quite imperfect, and I also can acknowledge moments of grace filled perfection.  Perfectionism is an issue in my life, primarily from so many years of feeling so terribly imperfect and trying to be perfect hoping others would not see how imperfect I knew I was

The IM words invite us to be gentler with ourselves, that we have the capacity, ability and traits and ARE both aspects of the word.  If I can hold my imperfections  and my perfections, I AM on the path to individuation.  By accepting the dividedness within myself I become less divided as a whole, my parts can become part of the whole of me and I become more of myself and of who I have the potential to be. HMMMM the whole IS bigger than the parts. 

I find myself infatuated with 'I' words

Last night I went to bed intending to dream about the triangle I had seen in my mind's eye at lasts nights lecture.  And I did dream about the triangle. I just didn't expect the awareness with which I woke. I woke with the image of a chalk board with a column of 'I' words and at the bottom of the list was the phrase:  It is all about 'I'.
Intuition
Inspiration
Integrity
Intentional
Intelligence
I added this one: Infatuated, because I could not stop thinking about how these words all began with the prefix 'in' and how this prefix could mean the actual word 'in'  as in inside me, within me.  I was thinking 'what is the meaning of "It's all about 'I'".  I could only think 'It's all about me'.  All of these words are about what goes on inside of 'me'. and also very much reflect the 'I' that I am. 

Over that past few weeks, I have been blogging about the importance of integrity and being intentional.  I continually work with my intuition, sometimes more consciously than at other times.  And certainly, I hope my words and actions inspire others in a good way.  Bottom line:  It is all about 'I'--about Me.  I must connect with myself and be inside myself before I can connect with others and be healthfully outside of myself, or I am likely to make a big mess of things in my life. 

As a confirmation of this line of thinking I came across this quote on a website where I was signing up for a seminar:

"Individuation:  Jung said that we are not really 'individuals'but 'dividuals', persons divided within ourselves. We say one thing and do another; we set goals and we sabotage our own success; we desire happiness and experience frustration. All of these situations are indications of our inner division.",  Dr.Kenneth James at The Soulwork Center, Chicago  the soulwork center.

Another 'I' word for my list!

Tomorrow I am going to tackle the I am words:
Imperfect
Immediate
Impartial
Impatient
Impractical

Intuition and Transparency

I feel as though I am playing a game of connect the dots!  Tonight I went to a cocktail hour business lecture in Chicago.  The speaker was Therese Rowley, the author of a new book "Mapping a New Reality: Discovering Intuitive Intelligence".  The forward is written by Caroline Myss, a mentor and one of the chairs on my dissertation committee.  Therese   spoke on Intuitive Intelligence in the business world. Therese is an intuitive reader and psychic medium with a MBA from Northwestern (a pretty well respected business school).  The evening started out with the sponsors introducing their businesses: insurance and financial planning.  Both are well known in the northern suburbs and the insurance company is an internationally known company.  Both men talked briefly about having value-based businesses and about the need for transparency in the work place for clients as well as employees.  Then Therese stepped in and spoke about the same themes introducing the need for intuitive skills as a vital support for developing a value based business and for creating true transparency in your work. 

I'm summarizing her lecture in a few sentences:  Intuition is a type of intelligence.  It develops by practice and use, same as any skill.  The way your intuition will manifest depends on your life purpose (IE-some might communicate with dead people, some might see past lives, some will know how to find lost things and people, some will see illnesses, some will get information on the future etc.).  A person can not have intuition if under the influence of fear or if they have an agenda or ulterior motive. Developing and honoring your intuition is necessary if we want to have transparency in our lives.  I thought it was serendipitous to have transparency come up tonight and used in connection with business, and I saw an image of a triangle appear in my minds eye during her lecture (the presidential debate, last nights round table and tonight's lecture).   I am the common denominator in bringing these three experiences together-there is some information or awareness for me, but I don't know what I don't know about that, yet.

So, I will invite intuition to help me know.  I'm going to use a few intuitive supports Therese suggested and I'm sharing them with you,as they are simple and VERY effective.
1. Be still.  Stay still.  Stop what you are doing and listen whenever you have a strange feeling, a hit, goose bumps, or get a thought such as 'I wonder...'.  We have to pay attentention and listen to hear our intuition.
2. Focus on your third eye area, which is in the middle of your head, not your forehead.  Straightdown from the top and middle of your head and behind the eyes.  Focus from that space.  Breathe from that space.  This has an immediate calming effect and you can, with even a small amount of practice you will notice more clarity.

Off to bed with an intention to know how all this fits together for me. 

Transparency and Imperfection

What a difference my experience tonight was from last night!
Last night watching the accusatory, aggressive, look-good-at-all-costs, shade the truth debate between two men and tonight sitting in a circle of 20 women sharing parenting imperfections, talking about the importance of transparency with one another and our children, and honoring the differences between us.  Okay-the future of the country is not on the line during our meeting, as it seemed to be last night. Although... maybe one of us at this gathering has birthed a future president-and that would mean good things for our country, given the transparency and forthrightness of the group.

Last night I came home from watching the presidential debate exhausted and discouraged.  Tonight I came home from hearing Jennifer Grant lead a discussion on imperfect parenting, inspired and hopeful. Jennifer is an author, speaker and a member of our Episcopal Community.  Check out her new book: Momumental

Daily Reviews - The Public and Private versions

Today seemed to be a day of some form of daily review everywhere I turned.  My early morning meeting invited all present to consider our willingness to allow others to know, by our willingness to share with them, our difficulties, and egregious behaviors from our past, as well as our current life struggles.  A friend had to face an employer about and acknowledge her part in as unfortunate incident that could threaten her job.  Two clients shared litanies of self-judgment.  Another had a litany of  grievances about others. I bared my own soul with a person I love, and ended up feeling misunderstood and my feelings rejected. 

Then there was the presidential debate tonight-a really public review; not a daily review but a value review, a success review, an attitude review etc., etc.  What a contrast from the personal sharing and struggles, from the rest of the sharing I experienced today.  I recognize I might be stretching the comparison.  But, while I was listening to spin after spin and accusation followed by blown up grandiose iteration, I began to feel exhausted by the whole distorted process, like a house of mirrors in a fun house-only this is our country and it's not very funny.  So when I went into my study to reflect on my day, I started with the awareness of how many times today, in meetings, with friends, clients, my own counseling session, sharing with a loved one-there was an invitation to see ourselves and others more clearly and honestly, and to allow ourselves to be seen more clearly and honestly, regardless of the outcome.

We must start from the state of being we are in, whether that is a place of self-blame and self-judgment, of pointing the finger at the other guy, or sharing from a humility and regret.  That is a beginning, and from there we take small steps toward more honestly, less blame, more acceptance, less condemnation, more possibility, more hope, more balance in our life and more change.

As my daughter said when she was in second grade and our family was going through divorce shortly after 9-11:  "Mom, how can we have peace on earth if we can't even stop the fighting in our own family.  She is right of course-out of the mouths of babes...I do hope I have made some progress!  I do hope I am able to support others in their progress.  I'm glad I'm not Candy Crowley, the moderator of the debate.

Vision + Divine Will + Discipline=Creativity

Ahhh the new moon! My colleague and astrologer friend, Patti Podgornik took up her blogging skills again and posted some enlightening information about this new cycle. Here is a link to her informative blog from an astrologer's point of view:  thecelestialgarden  There are some similarities in our thoughts about the coming month-human relationships and creativity and clear vision and intention.  Check it out.

I'm working with a deadline due at the end of October, so I'm continuing my focus on my Creative Aspect for this new moon cycle, refining how I am working with all the creative elements in a more balanced way.  I mentioned a few blogs back about my struggle with keeping discipline at a good enough level my life. With a deadline looming in two weeks, I really need this quality as a force in my life.  I am reminded that discipline means either punishment, or a practice supporting learning and gaining  knowledge.  If I practice staying in alignment with Divine Will and keeping my Vision in focus, my discipline is a joyful rather than dreadful practice.  It hasn't always been that way. 

In the past I have procrastinated until the very last minute when I have had a deadline or commitment.  Then my discipline was to avoid self-inflicted punishment or external negative consequences.  I feel so blessed.  Every day as I take a few moments of prayer and meditation (mindfulness)  in the early morning darkness, I use the morning star as a reminder God's will is with me even when not visible.  Just so is God's love.  I embody as much  of both as I can muster before I start my day.  I also am feeling the strong support of community connected with my own creative work.  Several Circle members have big creative projects and commitments as do some colleagues.  Add to these more local connections all of the members who have gone through the Agents of Conscious Change training (which I became a part of a year ago last summer) and I am filled with support. Not only do I feel blessed--I am blessed!

October Moon Cycle is a Harbinger of Vision

Jamie Sams writing about the October Clan Mother is one of my favorites.  I am drawn to this story because it relates to how the strength of our vision and dreams can manifest when we are in alignment with Divine Will and when we hold fast to hope and faith. 

There is currently a lot of focus on the coming of December 2012 and the changes that will happen with the ending of the Mayan calendar.  The changes that will happen are not so much because of the calendar, but because there are many many people who are beginning to focus their energy on making things better for this planet and for all of her inhabitants. 

The links below are a sampling of some of the people and groups are leading the way for this Vision:

Barbara Marx Hubbard and Agents of Conscious Evolution 
Marriane WIlliamson
The Shift Network and Conscious Evolution

And one Circle of Self member offers her own profound awareness
Zen Cowgirl

Stand Down: A short reflection on "thank you for your service"

Today more than 40 men and a few women came by our presentation room at the stand down.  It will take a while to integrate everything I learned today.  But one thing is very clear:

When we say "thank you for your service." to someone in uniform, or whom we know is a veteran, it is almost certain we have no clue what is is we are thanking them for.  And if we did, we would recognize 'thank you' doesn't come close to being the right words, or a deep enough expression of gratitude, or a true understanding of what they have endured and sacrificed of themselves and of the burdens they carry. 

Speaking on Depression

Tomorrow I will speak at a Stand Down for Homeless Veterans in Peoria.  My topic is dealing with depression in difficult times.  I recognize I have not ever been homeless, or a veteran.  I have however, struggled with the pain of losing a home or two that have been dear to me, and I know what it is like to have been married to a veteran and live in a military community. So I have a narrow line of connection.  I hope I am able to meet those who come to hear me in a present and humble way.  I am not even sure any will come.  But I have prepared a few thoughts on depression anyway. 

Depression:
Initially it can be a coping mechanism, a normal response to an untenable situation.  It can be a way to reset our system, insist on rest and restore balance.

Or, it can become a habituated response to stress.

Or, it can get tangled up in chemical imbalance-neurological misfiring-alcohol or drug abuse-cyclical hypo- or hyperglycemia-allergies.

Or chronic fatigue-isolation-loneliness-hunger-trauma that never gets resolved-repetitive exposure and remembering...all leading to a loss of sense of self.

Depression is pressing down 'something' in our lives.  It takes energy to press down that which we can not or will not face or resolve.  It takes energy to live our lives fully.  The more we use our energy to keep things 'depressed'.  The less we have to live our lives.  It is a vicious spiralling downward cycle.

Coming out of depression successfully can require very small steps to gently and carefully let up that which we have depressed, so we are not overwhelmed.  Or it can resolve after a night of soulful, deep and gut wrenching wailing-followed by  heart-y, belly-full laughing followed by deep sleep.  I have had both depression leave both of these ways and supported others in having their depression release in both these ways, as well. 

I have also witnessed those who could not believe what Joseph Marshall III writes about in Keep Going: that the weakest step is stronger than the fiercest storm.  These dear ones cling to depression like a life line. And perhaps it is.

I am prepared to talk about these ideas. But I truly do not know what to expect, and mostly I want to listen, and be present and humble.